What is one memory for which I am forever grateful?

In 1981 I was 25 years old, and as a gay man living in Manhattan and very sexually active, I was in the maelstrom of what became known as the AIDS epidemic. At that time we had no name for it. I lost 22 close friends that year. Many more in the coming decade.

Later, when HIV was identified and testing became available, several friends of mine got tested, proved positive, and then descended into anxiety and stress, as there really wasn’t a treatment yet. However, in 1987, with the help of a physician, I made plans to get tested as now there were regimes in place. Before getting tested I made a plan for the worst case, knowing that there was not an insignificant possibility that I would be paralyzed by a positive result.

In those days the test was best taken anonymously as there were still controversies around insurance and so there was a two week delay between taking the test and finding the result.

About a week and a half into the two week period, I had made a decision about all the ways I was going to change my life. Giving up my stressful business, finding quality in each hour, being true to my heart. Minor things like that.

On the day of my appointment to get the results, walking from the transit stop to the clinic in a cold drizzle on a gray depressing day, suddenly I was struck by a question, seemingly not from me, but from God: “why wouldn’t you do those things, make these changes if your result is negative?”

That is a memory I am forever grateful for. I was negative. And walking out of the clinic, standing on the sidewalk, afternoon traffic streaming by, a new life lay ahead.