A therapist once said to me ” Take in what you need from a conversation and discard the rest”. Easier said than done but it definitely has been helpful over the years.
Another advise I recall: If you walk down a road and fall in a hole and then walk down the same road and fall in the hole again. Then take another road!
Two major ones, somewhat similar, come to mind. Both from Black people and both from co-workers, one of whom became a very close friend.
The first was from a woman (the friend) who made a huge difference in her too-short time on this planet. We were one of half a dozen employees of the City of New York who created the NYC Agency for Child Development, first of its kind in the country, which brought the Head Start and family and group day care programs under one umbrella. We increased the group day care program to over 45,000 children. Her spoken advice, which I heard often, “Choose your battles.” The other was more by example: “find common ground.” She formed a strong alliance with the head of the NYS legislature – an ultra-conservative – by persuading him that if we could provide child care we could reduce the welfare rolls.
The second was while at a “minority owned” consulting firm.I was with a dark-skinned co-worker conducting interviews for an evaluation of the Head Start health care component. It was Mississippi, I think. We were interviewing a doctor who served one of the local centers when he began spouting all kinds of racist remarks. I had to close my mouth for fear of what would come out of it. My Black co-worker calmly and professionally took over and completed the interview. When we got outside, I asked him, “How were you able to do that?” His response: “I was taught one thing at IBM (where had worked previously) “Never lose sight of the goal. I wasn’t going back to NY without that completed questionnaire.”
How they planted the seeds yet to reap any harvest however I have no idea how many times I should be dead so I guess I am still here which is no small feat
Good morning Diego! I am so glad you are still here with us, sometimes it feels like no small feat. I have a love one tha has gone throught one of the most difficult situations in life. The past 20 months have felt like climbing Mount Everestt with our any gear or training. By the grace of God and accepting support my love one is making it through. I will add you to my prayers as well. Thank you for sharing, thank you for being here with us in this forum. I am thinking of you.
For the moment being, that when i am sick like these days, to take a good rest and go to bed early. This I will do today. Thank you for all your precious posts. May you all have a good nights rest.
I don’t think I’ve ever been given specific
advice, to do something or not do
something. Or at least I can’t remember
if I have. But, people have said things to
me that have stuck. My father in law
once said “every decision comes with
trade offs”. This has helped take some
of the pressure off of decision making.
My therapist once told me to not be
so hard on myself “because you were
a child making adult decisions”. This
has helped me be a little more forgiving
to myself. A friends brother once told me
“just say you’re sorry” when I was being
adamant about not being the one in the
wrong to my then wife. As I’ve gotten older,
this advice has been good for me. It’s okay
to apologize, even if you may have
inadvertently hurt someone. It’s not a
contest to prove who was right.
This and many other moments have
helped me along, even if I didn’t get it at
the time.
Life can be somewhat unspeakable at times Diego. Mine certainly has. Life has been mostly good these past couple of years. Keep searching and you will discover friend.
Thank you for your honesty. One of the things I like best about this forum is that there is little or no pretense. I am sure that you will come out of this rough patch, and probably stronger. As my favorite guru, Richard Rohr, says, “Breakdown precedes breakthrough.”
Diego, have you been able to see, feel, or work towards a way out of where you are? And, do you have someone who will help you find such a better road? Identifying the wreck is a good first step, and with that, somewhere, is a window to find your way out. That you are on this site my friend is a glimpse of a way out.
There was a teacher I had in HS. She was joyful and brilliant and weird-as far as high schoolers were concerned. But she was so comfortable in her own skin.
And her being comfortable with who she was, shouted to all of us that we could be comfortable in our own skin – that we didn’t have to be like everyone else.
That unspoken but lived example was advice that allowed me to accept myself then, and begin to listen to and allow my authentic self to blossom.
That people care more about what they have to say rather than what I am saying. It helps me realize that we are all trying our best and I don’t have to be so critical of myself when making new friends/meeting new people.
Everything my mother told me has made a big difference in my life whether it was labeled advice or not. And whether I listened to it at the time or not! She modeled kindness and appreciation of all the differences in the world that make human beings wonderful. I remember being very stressed out when we. were planning my first wedding and her reminding me that the sun would still rise the next morning whether I got some specific detail figured out or not.
Along those lines, I don’t think of advice as much as simply learning from things other people shared or said. I’ve had the opportunity over the years to learn a great deal from leaders in transportation equity, disability justice, and racial Justice and all of that has made a difference in how I show up in the world too.
I do think of one specific piece of advice I got as a young woman every once in awhile that has served me well. I was young and eager and prone to rushing in with my thoughts to show I was pretty smart, working in higher ed where pretty much everybody can be expected to be smart. My boss told me I would be more effective if I listened to others first and then was the one to sum up and synthesize the ideas in the room. That has served me well. Back then I needed that advice to curb my ego. Now I genuinely respect and want to learn from everyone in the room. I’m listening rather than just waiting for others to stop so I can fill the air.
My mother, who had nine children, always tells me when I am riled up about a problem or concern about one of my children – just WAIT. I never understood it until I got older that doing nothing is often the best answer (which is counterintuitive to me). Sometimes we need to allow people to come into themselves and trust God is working through them on his time.
I’m a huge LeBron fan. His impact goes beyond the basketball court. He’s a devoted husband, involved father, has a clean record, and a man of the community who honors his roots, outspoken on social issues, and encourages kids, especially from his hometown Akron, Ohio, to stay in school to become successful adults through his “I Promise” book and program. One quote from him that has made a huge difference in my life is “The best teacher in life is experience.” This quote has helped me: understand that everything happens for a reason, be more forgiving of myself and others even if I’m already doing that, be present, and feel more comfortable with trying new things.
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A therapist once said to me ” Take in what you need from a conversation and discard the rest”. Easier said than done but it definitely has been helpful over the years.
Another advise I recall: If you walk down a road and fall in a hole and then walk down the same road and fall in the hole again. Then take another road!
Two major ones, somewhat similar, come to mind. Both from Black people and both from co-workers, one of whom became a very close friend.
The first was from a woman (the friend) who made a huge difference in her too-short time on this planet. We were one of half a dozen employees of the City of New York who created the NYC Agency for Child Development, first of its kind in the country, which brought the Head Start and family and group day care programs under one umbrella. We increased the group day care program to over 45,000 children. Her spoken advice, which I heard often, “Choose your battles.” The other was more by example: “find common ground.” She formed a strong alliance with the head of the NYS legislature – an ultra-conservative – by persuading him that if we could provide child care we could reduce the welfare rolls.
The second was while at a “minority owned” consulting firm.I was with a dark-skinned co-worker conducting interviews for an evaluation of the Head Start health care component. It was Mississippi, I think. We were interviewing a doctor who served one of the local centers when he began spouting all kinds of racist remarks. I had to close my mouth for fear of what would come out of it. My Black co-worker calmly and professionally took over and completed the interview. When we got outside, I asked him, “How were you able to do that?” His response: “I was taught one thing at IBM (where had worked previously) “Never lose sight of the goal. I wasn’t going back to NY without that completed questionnaire.”
Love these!! What wonderful work the Head start program!
Thanks, Robin Ann.
How they planted the seeds yet to reap any harvest however I have no idea how many times I should be dead so I guess I am still here which is no small feat
Good morning Diego! I am so glad you are still here with us, sometimes it feels like no small feat. I have a love one tha has gone throught one of the most difficult situations in life. The past 20 months have felt like climbing Mount Everestt with our any gear or training. By the grace of God and accepting support my love one is making it through. I will add you to my prayers as well. Thank you for sharing, thank you for being here with us in this forum. I am thinking of you.
“Buy the best tools you can afford; they will serve you much better than the supposed bargain.”
Yes, yes, yes, indeed! True statement, my friend!
For the moment being, that when i am sick like these days, to take a good rest and go to bed early. This I will do today. Thank you for all your precious posts. May you all have a good nights rest.
Feel better soon:)
Thank you, O.Christina.
I don’t think I’ve ever been given specific
advice, to do something or not do
something. Or at least I can’t remember
if I have. But, people have said things to
me that have stuck. My father in law
once said “every decision comes with
trade offs”. This has helped take some
of the pressure off of decision making.
My therapist once told me to not be
so hard on myself “because you were
a child making adult decisions”. This
has helped me be a little more forgiving
to myself. A friends brother once told me
“just say you’re sorry” when I was being
adamant about not being the one in the
wrong to my then wife. As I’ve gotten older,
this advice has been good for me. It’s okay
to apologize, even if you may have
inadvertently hurt someone. It’s not a
contest to prove who was right.
This and many other moments have
helped me along, even if I didn’t get it at
the time.
My life is an unspeakable wreck. So thus far I have to honestly say nothing took me somewhere you want to go.
Life can be somewhat unspeakable at times Diego. Mine certainly has. Life has been mostly good these past couple of years. Keep searching and you will discover friend.
Thank you for your honesty. One of the things I like best about this forum is that there is little or no pretense. I am sure that you will come out of this rough patch, and probably stronger. As my favorite guru, Richard Rohr, says, “Breakdown precedes breakthrough.”
Diego, have you been able to see, feel, or work towards a way out of where you are? And, do you have someone who will help you find such a better road? Identifying the wreck is a good first step, and with that, somewhere, is a window to find your way out. That you are on this site my friend is a glimpse of a way out.
Sorry to hear, Diego. I hope you
can find something in the wreckage
to be grateful for. 🙏
There was a teacher I had in HS. She was joyful and brilliant and weird-as far as high schoolers were concerned. But she was so comfortable in her own skin.
And her being comfortable with who she was, shouted to all of us that we could be comfortable in our own skin – that we didn’t have to be like everyone else.
That unspoken but lived example was advice that allowed me to accept myself then, and begin to listen to and allow my authentic self to blossom.
That people care more about what they have to say rather than what I am saying. It helps me realize that we are all trying our best and I don’t have to be so critical of myself when making new friends/meeting new people.
Be kind. Love well. Listen well. Keep your (my) sense of humor.
Everything my mother told me has made a big difference in my life whether it was labeled advice or not. And whether I listened to it at the time or not! She modeled kindness and appreciation of all the differences in the world that make human beings wonderful. I remember being very stressed out when we. were planning my first wedding and her reminding me that the sun would still rise the next morning whether I got some specific detail figured out or not.
Along those lines, I don’t think of advice as much as simply learning from things other people shared or said. I’ve had the opportunity over the years to learn a great deal from leaders in transportation equity, disability justice, and racial Justice and all of that has made a difference in how I show up in the world too.
I do think of one specific piece of advice I got as a young woman every once in awhile that has served me well. I was young and eager and prone to rushing in with my thoughts to show I was pretty smart, working in higher ed where pretty much everybody can be expected to be smart. My boss told me I would be more effective if I listened to others first and then was the one to sum up and synthesize the ideas in the room. That has served me well. Back then I needed that advice to curb my ego. Now I genuinely respect and want to learn from everyone in the room. I’m listening rather than just waiting for others to stop so I can fill the air.
My mother, who had nine children, always tells me when I am riled up about a problem or concern about one of my children – just WAIT. I never understood it until I got older that doing nothing is often the best answer (which is counterintuitive to me). Sometimes we need to allow people to come into themselves and trust God is working through them on his time.
I’m a huge LeBron fan. His impact goes beyond the basketball court. He’s a devoted husband, involved father, has a clean record, and a man of the community who honors his roots, outspoken on social issues, and encourages kids, especially from his hometown Akron, Ohio, to stay in school to become successful adults through his “I Promise” book and program. One quote from him that has made a huge difference in my life is “The best teacher in life is experience.” This quote has helped me: understand that everything happens for a reason, be more forgiving of myself and others even if I’m already doing that, be present, and feel more comfortable with trying new things.
I’m a huge basketball fan and I love this response.
To resist judging people. Everyone is doing the best s/he can at any given moment.