In what ways am I growing?

I’m learning to trust by wanting and not going into a panic or over reacting. Last night I thought my kitten was going to have to go to the vet and having lost my last cat 4 years ago, I was overcome with grief. I had to remind my self that that was then and this is now. I decided to wait and see how he was in the morning. He seems to be fine but I will continue to watch him and if I have to take him to the vet I will. I had to remind myself that I love my kitten and I will take care of him and not let the way I blamed myself for the poor health of the my last cat who died 4 years ago (who lived to 19 1/2). She was feral. I did the best I could with her and I will do the best with him. So how am I growing? I’m growing in trust and learning not to be so hard on myself. I am only human and with the help of God who I am learning to trust as I trust myself and let go of harsh self talk. Trust has been a big issue for me since childhood and there are deep wounds that need healing. As the present shows me what needs to be done and what needs healing I can take action if need be. The past is past. Like most people I have suffered trauma in childhood. So when things come up for me it’s time to reevaluate and think like an adult. Sometimes that means forgiving sometimes it means moving on even without an understanding of what really happened. I was accused of hurting my kitten as a child. I don’t think I did or if I did I blocked it out. All I remember is my mother accusing me and yelling at me and me crying like you would not believe. She never trusted me after that and told me she could never trust me. I was very damaged by that and never went to her when I was hurt. She was a product of her upbringing which was filled with violence. She did the best she could but I never forgot how angry she was and how hurt I felt about being accused of something I did not do. I have asked God to bring it to consciousness If I was repressing something that I need to remember in order to heal. Nothing has come up as far as the cat goes and I have been in therapy since childhood for many reasons. So I’m left to believe I didn’t do anything. Forgive me for going on and on, but that is why when my pets are sick for whatever reason I suffer greatly because I don’t want it to be my fault. The truth about my cat as a child was that as a kitten it was found in a box with a rock on top of the box so it wouldn’t get out. Lord knows what was done to that kitten who was left outside to die. My mother heard it crying and took her in. She had many health problems as a result and non of them were my fault. Why my mother accused me, I’ll never know. I guess she felt someone was to blame. She was a battered child growing up with a violent father, alcoholic, gambler, wife beater, womanizer. So I can understand her misdirected anger. But to accuse a child of something and take away trust was a bit much to grow up with. When I got in trouble she was the last person I went to for help. I kept journals and she found them and read them and shamed me again and again. So keeping a journal private as in this site is appealing to me. (not that she can see it now, she died 13 years ago). Anyway, I’m growing to trust that I’m ok and would not harm anyone or anything intentionally especially a helpless kitten. I have forgiven my mother and wish that we could have talked about this as an adult because that event played havoc with my life in all my relationships. She generally apologized before she passed and we never discussed details. I also apologized for being such a difficult child. We left it at that.