Is there anything thatI’ve been holding on to for a long time? How might it feel to let go?

Having experienced trauma, though of a different sort, I have come to believe strongly we can’t stop the energy that comes from strong experiences, however, we can channel that energy into a good outlet. Transforming it has the power to heal and will eventually diffuse the pain and anger. You kind of need to accept the energy will be there, the memories will be there… well, you already know this if it is still with you after 30 years. But if we don’t deliberately place it into a new context, that negative energy will fester and hurt us in ways like substance abuse, self-harm, depression, temper and rash decisions, isolation, self-sabotage in life. It is almost as if when we don’t look at it, it is able to cause harm in secret. The alternative is expression of the energy and use of those emotions. In Aikido this would be a defense called, “irimi,” or “entering in.” In the book, The Wizard of Earthsea, this would be embracing your faceless shadow, who is the part of you that you shun. To do it in the practical sense, some people are drawn to art to express their feelings and that helps and gives them a new pursuit. Sometimes the art is quite explicit. Other people divert and focus the energy on a goal, like the lady who lost her son in a drunk-driving accident, who started the organization M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Driving), which has saved countless other sons and daughters. There are many different ways you could do this. Whatever the right way to express is for you, it would begin with your knowledge of where you are choosing to put the energy, and that you are going to be changing the nature of that energy so it does no more harm. You become the driver, the master of that energy. You make the choices, no longer a victim. It empowers you. And through your actions and purpose, you reframe your past experiences and the meaning of the original experience shifts as it blends with where you steer it. The memories don’t go away, they aren’t suppressed, but you give it new meaning in your life.

Anyway, this is just my perspective. It worked for me. And dear DeVonna, you are not your trauma. You are beautiful.