I have forgotten about this space mainly because I have not been able to access this site any longer with my phone. I must be on an actual computer and I don’t have that at home. That said, I wanted to share here that my paralyzed brother has finally passed. Last Saturday in fact. The last time I saw him, September 3-5, 2018, I knew there was a chance it would be the last time I would see him. Thanks to the pandemic, it was. I would have gone again to see him in Colorado Springs last summer if not for the pandemic. And, because of the fact that we are still struggling with the pandemic, there is not going to be a service for him. I am not able to say goodbye properly, which I resent. In spite of that, I am very grateful that he has finally passed and that his wife is now free to get her own health back and relax with the remainder of her life. I am grateful that the pandemic brought about reconciliation in my family of origin. I am grateful that I made it through without any illness whatsoever. I remained fully active the entire time due to my living situation and I believe that is why I remained healthy. I am grateful for that. I have also come to believe that there is no joy without sorrow. They go hand in hand. Like taking a ball of mud and creating something recognizable out of it. Anyway, I will stop rambling. How can a person be both grateful for life and want to leave the earth so much? I don’t understand. But there you are. Blessings to everyone.

My meditation practice is starting to grow results. The peace and calm that is generated by sitting quietly reflecting on the love of mother earth and the universe, is starting to bring about a state of calmness within me which is going with me throughout the day. In that way, each task that I engage in becomes opportunity for gratefulness. That then cements that attitude within my heart and is reflected, I hope, to others throughout the day. I don’t manifest love perfectly, but I would hope I am better than I was a year ago.

I was given a miracle. One of two in my life. My son with whom had been estranged from me for many years, called me out of the blue last Mother’s Day. We reunited though separated by the entire country. We had many more conversations from that point on till he went ahead with his decision to move to England in October to marry someone he had met online that lived over there. So, we parted on peaceful and loving terms. I may never see him again (the last time I saw him was 8 years ago) but the gift of peace between us was a miracle. He had been so angry for so long. Another miracle I was given was a way to heal from past hurts. An illness that proved to be a help. I am forever grateful for that. Even if I still feel the physical pain from the lingering effects of that miracle. So I guess I can say I have been given two miracles.

I live with daily pain. It is never ending. The only break my body gets from it is while sleeping. But in spite of it, I am aware of all the gifts in my life, this site is one of them. I found this site shortly after beginning my journey of gratefulness. I used to begin each day here before my new phone became personal and decided to block my access to posting on the site. I can only post when I am at a real public computer. But I am grateful anyway. What really helps me connect to what is important is being outside. Funny how nature presents so much opportunity for gratefulness but man’s world does not.

I am not sure how much more integrity I can have. Does that sound proud? Perhaps. But I consider myself a pretty good human being except for the negative thought patterns (I can get awfully nasty in my thoughts–though I don’t put voice to those thoughts–also can be self judgmental). My outer behavior always strives for love and decency towards others. So…I don’t know how I can show greater integrity. Perhaps that will be when I have learned to dwell more on positive loving thoughts toward the world.

A recent favorite memory is from two years ago or so. 2018 to be exact. I went on an extended trip, the first of my life. It included a visit with my brother and his wife in Colorado Springs. My brother is paralyzed from the neck down. Has a trach so he cannot use his voice without a special device. He can move his eyes and can speak in a whisper to his wife who translates for others. I spent 4 days with them. I had not seen them in around 25 years so it was a special visit. I treasure that memory because, now, as we share these memories, he is slowly dying. His body is finally failing. He has been paralyzed for ten years. His mind has been good all the way through though. My two other siblings are going to be there soon and I want to be there too but there are obstacles to that. It is very hard to wait for news of how far along things are with his passing. Anyway, that trip is a treasured memory.

At the moment the snow that fell last Monday is in melt stage and water is everywhere. It reminds me that it takes water for growth and renewal to take place. Every time I must walk someplace as I have no car, I feel the cool air on my face and the crispness in the air. It feels so good to be able to feel it and to be forced to walk instead of having a car. As I work each evening on knitting a shawl, of the beauty of color, like the evening sunset. I am reminded each day of the miracle of the sun coming up even though the planet turns constantly without fail. It is all such a miracle. How it all works together to provide for our lives on the earth. It doesn’t have to. So I am grateful for it all.

At my age, 66, I am finally a senior citizen with all the scars that go with that. I am wise, patient, kind, far more compassionate than when younger, and above all beautiful inside and out. My life has been hard but good teachers usually are hard. I am grateful for lessons learned and that I can enjoy life in the now. While life has not turned as I had hoped, there are blessings everywhere if I just care to notice. It pains me that so many are so wrapped up in the difficulties that surround us during this time we are all going through. The beauty is there for those who want to see it.