I have a hard time making decisions so this question is unsettling for me right now because I am facing making one that’s tied up in sentimentality and a past resentment. I am trying to discern what to do or not do based on what matters and I’m not at the point of knowing just yet. I am taking a pause at the moment. Action is not always required. Sometimes I just need time and space to let the light in before I can know and even then who knows what’s best. I’m just trying to stay open.

The Earth in and of itself is a gift. We are part of that gift. How we take care of her and ourselves reflects our appreciation or lack there of. It is an organism. We are the microcosm in the macrocosm. We can’t talk about the earth without deep respect for its beauty and majesty and endless wonder. We are still discovering its ecosystems like the ocean for instance. If you got a chance to see My Octopus Teacher on Netflix you will see the underwater forest that need to be protected that few people know about. I could go on and on about climate change and the effects on all of us and the cost it has had on the earth, the animals, minerals, microorganisms etc. I don’t want to go there. I want to instead appreciate this moment on earth and do my best is small and simple ways to preserve her and hope for generations that follow to do the same. Someone posted The Bell Chant. If you haven’t yet seen it its on U tube. Worth meditating on and hoping for the restoration of the Earth in all its beauty and wonder.

I woke up with music in my head and so I looked up a few of them on u tube. One song was Sunshine of your Love. I watched Jimi Hendrix play it on guitar and Cream sing it on stage with Clapton. There was a guitar lesson available that went along with that search. I have a guitar (Gibson) that a friend of mine lent me and today I will give it a go. It’s been just sitting there waiting to be played. I have made several attempts to learn to play but have not gone very far. I have to start again somewhere. To me that is abundance and I am thankful for a new day to engage in the process of life.

My spiritual director who dedicates her life to service of others and also takes care of her health. She is an athlete. She has patience, kindness and wisdom and is very gentle in heart. How she puts up with me is a marvelous wonder. And the man who I wrote about who passed away last week ~ Ray Casey the firefighter, devoted friend and hero for so many lives to friends and strangers. A true soul of courage and inner strength that came from sincere selfless love. And his sister who is a social worker who follows in his footsteps. She helped so many teens who lost their parents due to covid and could not be at their burial. She and helped counsel them over zoom calls during the pandemic. She followed in her brothers footsteps. He was a psychologist before he became a firefighter. He was so proud of her and cheered her on.

The lives of others who lived grateful lives moves me. An old friend passed away on Wednesday after being on life support after a fatal fall last week. He was a firefighter who served in 911. He was caught in in the tail end of the second building collapse. The ground was moved beneath him and through the smoke he saw the steal beams that could have torn him and his buddies apart. He was not able to save anyone and that grieved him. All he found was a teddy bear and a women’s shoe. As he was falling an oxygen tank hit him in the neck. Somehow he survived but lived in constant pain afterwards. Many of his buddies did not make it out alive. He never complained. He never stoped serving his community. A true hero and a very brave soul. He kept in touch will everyone from the old neighborhood and between his friends and all his firefighter buddies today will be a mixed bag ~ a celebration of a life well lived and a great loss to everyone who ever knew and loved him. He loved playing basketball and was at home on the court. On his FB page there was caricature of a basketball player making a hoop flying through the air The caption read “Heaven is a playground”. God rest the soul of Raymond Casey a man who lived hard and played hard. To God be the glory!

An old friend just died unexpectedly and on his FB page there was a cartoon of a basketball player making a basket which read, “Heaven is a playground”. He loved playing basketball. It put him in the zone where he was most happy and now he’s gone. So what makes me who I am? It’s in the serenity prayer. I just saw this version and I hope its ok to share here:
My Serenity Prayer:

GOD GRANT ME
(not my spouse, my kids or my friends)
THE SERENITY
(remaining unruffled in spite of it all)
TO ACCEPT
(not just endure, suffer & bear)
THE THINGS
( as well as people in my life)
I CANNOT CHANGE
(even though I’ve tried and tried)
THE COURAGE
(which can only come from you, Lord)
TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
(particularly about myself)
AND THE WISDOM
(this is your area too, Lord)
TO KNOW
(not just guess or hope)
THE DIFFERENCE
(between your will and mine)

If I apply these principles, I have a good chance of knowing who I am and living a life of meaning and purpose. I’m working on that one (awakening) day at a time.

I auditioned for a movie once. It was a “look see”. All you had to do was stand on a spot in order for the director to see you. I was dating an actor at the time who refused to go to the audition because he didn’t want me telling him what to do. He had been in NY for several months and did not have an agent and was not going on auditions. When someone told me about the “look see” I thought it would be perfect for him to get started. He was surprised when I told him I went and how easy it was. He decided to go and not only did he get the part but it enabled him to get into 2 unions. He went on to get another movie and was paid scale. I secretly wanted to be an actor too but did not pursue it and had very little experience and was very insecure. He had an 8 by 10 glossy photo with a resume on the back with his summer stock experience and community theater credits. I had an index card with a 2″ square Woolworth photo stapled to it with high school theater experience printed out in pen. The movie was Radio Days with director Woody Allen sitting in the dark in the back of the room.. He was my boyfriends favorite NY director at the time. For me it was a no brainer. I could not let him pass up the opportunity so I made it easy for him on a dare. If I could go with no experience he had no excuse. He was mad but it got him out of bed and to the audition just in time. It was in the basement of St. Pauls Church just blocks from where my boyfriend lived in the Theater District. The next movie he was in was Coming to America. We broke up shortly after that upon entering a cult church that a theater friend introduced him to (another story). He now lives in Atlanta with his wife and daughter and does regional theater. He lived happily ever after.

Recently I started looking for a new coop. I only saw one and liked another that I didn’t feel ready to go into a mortgage over and it turns out that a friend who can afford it just put in a bid and I hope he gets it. So it made me grateful for what I have and more determined to clear out what no longer serves me and wait for my social security to kick in December before I consider looking again next spring. I feel at home here somewhat in a small apartment that I renovated to my liking. It still needs work but I am able to do it in piecemeal. I live here with my new adopted kitten who I love dearly. I need people in my life and have found it more difficult to connect as I’ve gotten older. So the missing link to really feeling at home is people to share my life with. I have lost the motivation to do everything alone and hope that I can break out of this isolation and loneliness. I have done everything I can to make this apartment feel like home but without people it’s just a nice apartment that won’t be that hard to sell when the time comes. So from what I read, “Home is where the heart is”. My heart is not at home. Home is loving relationships, connection, companionship, friends to enjoy. I don’t have any of that so honestly I’m living in quiet desperation trying hard to make it through one day at a time. Some days are better than others. It’s here that I’m trying to be honest and not sugar coat my true feelings. If home is where the heart is mine is broken and needs help. I just don’t know where to turn. I have a spiritual director. She just wants me to get back up again and back to life. That’s what I want too. There is no quick fix. It’s one day at a time. I can pretend to be optimistic but I am not here to pretend. I hope to change so sharing painful feelings can be of benefit. I hope.

Thank you Mica, I’ve read Untethered Soul and lots of spiritual books. The Untethered soul made me feel insignificant. A person on a planet spinning in space just added to my depression. Thank you for your suggestions though but I can’t read another book for me they just take up space. If reading helped me I would be on top of the world right now. I can’t apply what I read even Eckhart Tolles’ teachings without being around people. I’m dealing with the pain body and that dissipates with being with people not in isolation or mental concepts. It’s physical. Sometimes I can’t get out of bed. And sometimes its mental. I have to get out of my head. This too shall pass. One day at a time.

Thank you, at least one person can relate and I don’t feel so strange. That’s a start. That’s why I’m here. I may not be with you physically but I’m with you spiritually. The connection helps. I know ultimately no one is really alone but sometimes it sure feels like that. Thank you for listening, identifying and caring. That helps. I hope that helps you too. I hope things change and we both begin again and form new friendships that are authentic at this point in our journey. I hope you find what you are looking for and I hope for brighter days ahead.