Recently I jumped the gun and asked someone to be my spiritual life coach. I already have a spiritual director that I am working with on a monthly basis. I felt awkward after talking for a while with my potential life coach after learning her criticism of a form of prayer that I practice. I discussed it with my spiritual director to let her know what and how I was thinking and what I now have to do to undo what I said I would do. I was very open with her. She encouraged me that I had discernment and reminded me that I am seeking God’s will and we had a great talk about resistance, trusting my conscious and being in harmony with God. She said that it was being attentive. I since contacted the potential life coach and gracefully bowed out. In the past I would beat myself for being so impulsive. So trusting and being open and taking a change of direction is what I consider courage by risking the fear of being wrong and people pleasing. That is big for me. I looked at the series of questions that I would have to answer if I were to be guided under the direction of the said coach. It was goal oriented not what I am looking for. I’m glad I see the difference. For me it’s not about ambition. It’s about living in the moment and attuning to what’s prompted by the spirit within. There is no rush. I have nothing to achieve. It’s about being not doing. I see that more clearly now.

I value authenticity in myself and others and when I faulter I suffer and so do those around me. I can’t change anyone and change does not come easy to anyone anyway. I can be ultra hard on myself and others. Progress not perfection is a slogan in AA and a great thought to remember when I get could up in anger and resentment. Forgiveness also, to constantly remember that everyone (including myself) is acting out of their state of consciousness. So “staying awake” is a challenge in order to be authentic. Recently my kitten (7 month old) was sick. After taking him to the vet and communicating with him and following his instructions and giving the meds he prescribed there was great improvement but not total resolve. We both agreed to give it a day or two before giving him a different antibiotic to see if his body will self correct. He is doing well today so he is out of harms way. A family member who is very high strung was giving her opinion and advice without me asking and instead of letting her anxiety in I simple told her I was following what the Dr. suggested and will take it from there. She does not listen and only texts but does not read the texts carefully so her advice was based on her experience with her pet not mine. I must admit it pissed me off and I wanted to resend what I sent earlier. I didn’t. I just had to quickly get off the phone. (after she finally agreed to speaking instead of texting) I realized she was only trying to help and I just needed to do what was best in my level of understanding and not react. My kitten is better today and that’s what matters most to me right now. So If I can remember to give people the benefit of the doubt and not rush to anger and resentment that would be best all around.

DeVonna, what a compassionate gift to the memory of your mother that heals on so many levels. Wow! Just reading about your generosity inspires me to forgive and move on past the shortcomings of my own upbringing and to be grateful for surviving the effects of trauma brought on by alcoholism, poverty, emotional abuse, violence and other emotional baggage. When sharing at an AA meeting an old timer came up to me and asked me if I forgave my grandfather for the abuse my grandmother and her children suffered under his influence. When I said yes he said, good because that was me and now we can be friends. I thought that was odd and now I understand having read your story. As a child of an adult child of an alcoholic I had my issues and forgiveness has not come easy. I also suffered substance abuse and all that comes with that. Mental issues as well. It all comes with the territory. I’m doing well now but had many grieves to bare. I’m still dealing with the aftermath of the consequences of my own experiences. In reading what you did for your mother and how you grew up it gives me hope that more healing is to come and love moves beyond the grave. I truly believe that. Thank you for sharing. I almost deleted this reply but I think it is good to relate and let go so I too can move on.