Well recently I became friends with a man who was interested in possibly buying my apartment. As it turned out my place does not meet his needs. We hit it off and he called me almost every day. In a very short period of time we built a friendship based on many mutual interests. He is also a dear friend of a dear friend of mine. It got so intense that it through us both for a loop. Now we are not speaking I think fear set in first in me then in him, The mutual friend is having an 31 year anniversary in recovery and when we were speaking my new friend asked me to remind him. I did and tried to start up a conversation again. He won’t budge. It is teaching me that many people have needs that I have not taken the time to do anything about besides texts and a few light calls. Now I see that those relationships can deepen if I don’t put all my eggs in one basket. It hurts to not speak to my new friend but I saw an old patter click in. I can’t get lost in one person like I once did and then feel depleted if it doesn’t work out. It helped me expand my perspective and let go and let God even when and especially when it hurts. He may show up to the zoom anniversary if he remembers for our mutual friend and if it sparks something again I will allow him to take the lead or not but focus on my own recovery and trust God with he outcome. I have since become more active in AA and give more of my self than I did before he opened up my heart to feel again. I’m not the only one who is hurting and in need of love and compassion. It made me more empathetic to what others may be going through too and act on what shows up at meetings.

By noticing what is and taking care of that. I’ve been wanting to move and getting frustrated with the process so two days ago I made a decision and decided “this is it”. If I focus on what I have and not what I want I can see what’s in front of me and do the best I can with that. So yesterday I sent my area rug out to be cleaned. The space it provided made me put my padded yoga mat on the floor put on meditative music and I did some much needed relaxation stretch work. My cat also enjoys playing on it so it’s a win win. Honoring my body and getting rid of accumulated tension and stress has helped me celebrate yesterday and today I will do the same because it felt so good.

My kitten ( who is getting very big) greets me with kindness everyday. He is a constant source of joy and solace for me. I have been trying to move and as I share my findings with family, I am greeted with negativity and speculation if I don’t comply with their limited beliefs of security and practicality. They tend to see what’s not possible. It’s hard for me to stay afloat. I found something that is over the top and I’m waiting for the property manager to get back to me. I see the place I like as a source of inspiration and beauty beyond what I could have imagined with all the trimmings. I only told my sister about it and she was not supportive. When I hear her say “do what you want if you think you can afford it”, in a negative tone it cuts me to the core. I don’t react with words but I feel the lack of support. She is the only friend I have right now and its hard to hear how sour she is. So I will not share any thing else with the rest of my family that seem to hear only what would work for them. Criticism is something that I have a hard time tolerating. It’s been hard to trust myself and hear God whisper encouraging words. I’m having trouble with spreading my wings but I trust that the process is in flow. I’m hopefully heading in the right direction or on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I’ve come through lots of obstacles from a difficult past and I want to move forward with joy and enthusiasm. I could use some positive energy in my direction. Thanks

My email was on the dark web and I just changed my password. The uncertainty of fraud, theft, etc. is not a comfortable thing to live with. Since my cousin just went through identity theft I am grateful that she was able to deal with it and I am fortunate that I not have had to. I check balances daily and pay attention to credit score changes and do what I need to do. That is the material world we live in. I am responsible for the quality of my life not the outcome of what I cannot control. My reaction to the present moment with peace is all that concerns me right now. I know that I am being guided by grace when I am able to remain calm cool and collected amidst uncertainty.

My higher power is the direction of my life not my false self little tiny me who wants to hide behind the curtain of fear of false beliefs. letting go and letting God is a hole new world. That’s what I’m hoping to experience and I hope that for the world as well. What I have found is that the principles of the 12 steps are universal principles. It was helpful for me to see what inspired the program and what needs to change in the program. There is still too much resistance there of letting go of the past so I left. I keep in touch with 2 people who are making changes that I support as I learn to move forward myself. Thank Carol you must have been a very good sponsor.

Thank you so much Amber! I hear you and feel you. I can’t seek approval from my family. Their lifestyle and mine are not comparable. It does not have to be a judgment issue. That’s where I fall short. I now let go of asking for input from my family out of love. We have seldom seen eye to eye on many life issues that does not make anyone better or worse. We are different and that is ok. I will be cautious of sharing in the future. Thank you for your energy sent my way. I’m feeling much better. I decided to take steps where I live to make it more to my liking and stopped looking to move. The place that I loved is really expensive and the realtor has not returned my calls anyway. If I get to see it I may reconsider. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. In the meantime I’m cleaning and downsizing and preparing for when the time is right to move. I trust the process of change and the timing is out of my hands.

I knew an SK once. He was a massage therapist/yoga teacher. He became very ill and later after recovery went on to study acupuncture. He was one in a million! He embodied loving kindness. A pure soul. Seeing your name reminded me of him. He faced uncertainty and overcame many odds. He sounds like you! So positive and loving. What a soul! I’m glad I got to know him for a brief moment in time. Just thinking about him gives makes me feel at ease. I know this is odd that I am saying all this but why keep these memories to myself.