Oh Lord, a black woman was attacked yesterday by pro-Trump rally goers while police looked on. How am I supposed to be tender when there is so much injustice? What happened is not OK. Racism is real and people deal with it and struggle against racism, it is still as real today as it was 30 years ago. How can I be tender when I have to fight so hard? I honor the tenderness in me by fighting for everyone who is oppressed, beaten, harmed, scared in the world.

Every single day I have to deal with misogyny, racism, classism and everyone wanting to pretend these things aren’t real … on top of working to support my family who lost jobs due to the pandemic. I don’t feel bad for myself, I feel a lot is riding on me and it is a kind of pressure haha. I truly feel man I have to do it all on my own, I see so much injustice and suffering … and it’s like I have no choice but to fight. So how can I honor the tenderness in me except to fight to end all the bad in the world.

By fighting the darkness. 1 in 100 people in the world is a war refugee, that’s equivalent to 3,300,000 Americans. I just watched as the people elected to protect the American people pushed for the NDAA veto overrule and before some military type tells me that it’s necessary, literally national security isn’t a threat if that thing isn’t passed for a week — it was our way of saying, you don’t get your bombs and fighter jets without help for the American people. We were sold out by the people put there to protect us because the military vote matters more, reelection matters more. Killing people matters more than helping those in need. Americans spend more on military spending than the next 10 nations after us combined and we couldn’t get stimulus help from our own government because according to them, American’s during a pandemic don’t actually need help. Funny how the Canadian government doesn’t think that way or any other country in the developed world who have been helping their citizens through this and not calling them “greedy” like our government has (while giving millions and millions to corporations and to build fighter jets.) The same way we are told medical for all is a handout.

Heroes for justice and helping others that could have gone the easy route and chose the hard road of helping. Suniti Solomon who is the first person to discover HIV in India and worked to stop the spread through education and treatment. She was willing to help those that her very conservative society initially and even now viewed as deserving of their dying, prostitutes, gay people, those considered morally wrong. Not only did she help them in terms of medical care, she tried to create places for them they could feel dignity as human beings. She helped to bring comfort and a quality of life to people who could have very easily been treated as complete pariahs by even the Indian government. Her clinic is a place people receive medication, mental health help and even a program to help match HIV positive people in romantic partnerships so they don’t have to be alone.

I think about Maximilian Kolbe who was throw into a concentration camp for his efforts to protect Jewish people during the Holocaust, who died giving up his life to protect the life of a man who called out for mercy. This man and about 12 others were singled out to be starved to death as retribution for a prisoner trying to escape, so Kolbe offered to take the man’s place, it took two weeks for them to die slowly and throughout that Kolbe was giving solace and administering care to the other prisoners.

I think about political prisoners who are being tortured right now who refused to be quiet about the injustices happening around them. I think about Gino Strada who has now saved so many lives by setting up world class cardiac hospitals in the most economically depressed and war torn countries, saying human beings have an intrinsic value and a four year old in Sudan has as much right to heart surgery as a white rich male in the Western world.

I think about anyone anywhere throughout all of history who stood against the oppressors and said, no you can’t do this, humans have value — life has value. I remind myself all the time of every single person like this and when I feel like giving up, I remind myself they didn’t give up and however small and tired I feel … I won’t give up. I express my gratitude for them by taking the lessons they were offering to all of us about what courage, compassion and human decency look like and trying to live them.

That I’m one obstinate person that does not back down easily. I may be possibly crazy as I’ve never met anyone as obstinate and capable of pushing themselves through fear and personal risk. I just really can’t stand injustice and watching people die and suffer. I hate corruption, I hate people who cause pain and suffering for others just for power and money. I mean hate is a strong word but I just can’t stand those things to the point it makes me crazy with having to fight against it. I have no idea why I am so much this way but this past year has confirmed for me that I really only have the option of fighting against the darkness and bad in the world, it’s like something in me has this drive or pull or calling to do something about the darkness in the world. I don’t know why I’m like this. I really have this thing in me where when I encounter corruption, I can’t do anything but fight against it or something dies in me … it’s like the despair of seeing that kind of darkness and not fighting against it consumes me with despair. I don’t know why I am so much like this and can’t just live as though these things aren’t issues.

I’ve heard close friends and family describe me as selfless which I don’t actually feel I am. My cousin described me as the most genuinely kind person she knew which again feels totally not fitting as I can be pretty bitchy haha. I don’t perceive myself as especially kind and in fact feel at times I can be grating and difficult. But yeah, the overarching descriptive used by others is kind and selfless, sometimes to the point people find me too much so haha. I’ve always found it weird when people describe me that way as I don’t perceive myself as especially so those things.

I would say I have a lot of empathy for people, the hardships because I know what it is to be scared, lonely, hurt, in pain, like I really know those experiences so I care about other people experiencing those things. I’m extremely passionate about helping marginalized people, especially those that society would deem as somehow not having value.

I think people are partly the representation of the value that they’ve been afforded and treated with which is why I feel so much compassion for groups that are viewed negatively and don’t receive a lot of positive regard and kindness. I really think people can turn dark from being treated with hatred, unkindness, suspicion etc and so I really try to offset that by doing whatever I can to bring kindness to those who most need it.

I just feel a deep commitment to making life better for others and it’s kind of always been there. I don’t think I learn anything from that other than it’s just really important to me and is the source of my bravery, my strength, it’s the special sauce that has helped me throughout life. I don’t function well when I live a more self oriented life, my happiest moments are bringing others happiness and security and comfort. I feel happier making others feel happiness, it really just actually feels very good to me and like I’m living how I think I’m meant to live, than I do searching out happiness to feel on my own which might be a bit odd.

Living for more than myself. That’s always been a source of energy and joy for me. I couldn’t ever be happy just focusing on my own little bubble and reality which I’ve accepted means I have way more instability and risk in my life. When you live life more open you take on more risk cause the world is unpredictable. You don’t know if some random conversation will turn weird but you go into it open to what happens, open to giving something positive to another human being. You go into helping others unsure what the outcome will be, yeah it seems so much more a sure thing to just focus on your own life and fortifying the hatches … but that’s just not me, that isn’t what makes me feel joy. I’ve always been odd. I don’t know how to live my life closed off to the world and maybe I don’t want to. Joy to me has always been tied to openness and courage.

I see another world that is possible and I’ll be out there helping people unionize, helping people to have protections, helping the poor, hated and marginalized. And I know I’ll be hated by the status quo and that a lot of people will hate me and I’m OK with it. I’m not a coward.

I don’t typically look to feel peaceful which maybe is an issue? To me all this stuff is just a means of keeping me energized enough to help people and be part of the fight for people society would easily toss and demonize. Like “bad energy” could literally just be working around toxic fumes and having a really bad diet due to poverty constraining what you can eat. Or just the recurrent stress of trying to survive and having difficulties, all that is valid to me. Sometimes people want these places to find peace because they don’t realize that the people around them aren’t purposefully trying to make their life cruddy, they just have legit issues.

Basically, sometimes I can push back against my own thinking in terms of being upset over various things by labeling what it is as trivial in the larger context of what is happening around me and in the world so I don’t typically think about trying to up my peace levels. I think a lot about how to help others feel better.

I don’t even know. I just know that this Christmas I want to help others instead of worry about my own little world and BS. Yeah, there are a lot of people who are too scared and craven to get out there and help … but I’m not one of them.

Maybe sometimes what I fear is that I’m not strong enough, as though I were fighting against all this not giving a crap, collective not giving a crap … all by myself because everyone around me is too scared and paralyzed, too cowardly to look around and start throwing out life vests. Great if they can be happy enough but they don’t care if others are suffering.

Sometimes it feels as though I were looking out at this wall of apathy and darkness and fear … and I just think, how am I gonna do this? And I never know. I just know I need to do something, someone needs to do something … and I’m for some reason the one brave enough to take the risks and do something. I never feel that I’m strong enough to do it … but I just do it out of realizing I’m one of the few who will, who has the bravery and love to not turn away from life’s messiness and the challenges. It’s easy to sit on your couch watching the news and talking about how bad the world is, it takes guts to get out there and fight for the light.

I suppose in a lot of ways because I grew up around people who were very grateful by nature I sort of absorbed their mentality, where I think gratefulness are the roots of my compassion for others. I’ve often wondered why me, why I seem to have this capacity for giving and have so much courage, I truly care about everyone and really desire to help those around me, I never have understood why I have the balls while others hide afraid turning their fear into hate and greed … why I’m so unique in that sense and it seems to be gratitude, I really am grateful. I live my life in continual gratitude for everything, small things, my car starting and running, running water, the taste of chocolate, a smiling face … I just really love people, it’s a continual feeling of gratitude which seems to cause a deep love. The other aspect is I don’t really feel afraid of much which I’ve never entirely understood either.

That it seems each person has a reason they are here and in some ways you can’t get out of your reason. I think and maybe I am wrong, you have to be true to your unique and odd self. For me, I am a child of hope and faith in the goodness of humanity. My biological mother in a struggling country believed in human goodness enough to have me and hope that strangers would love me and care for me … and they did.

Complete strangers paid for my orphanage, complete strangers nursed me in their arms and rocked me to sleep as a completely vulnerable little baby — she had hope in humanity’s goodness. I know that I am a child of hope and over and over again the narrative that has made sense in my life — is have hope, have faith, humanity is capable of love and goodness, that is my narrative, the reason I am here.

The light is hope and the reason I am here is to help spread hope in the world. I have to be counter to those around me who have in some ways lost their faith in the light and goodness, not out of badness … but they will find me odd and I will be ostracized. There are things meant for me to do and I feel that more and more.

It’s odd cause I don’t even know what the end plan is, I just know that this spreading of hope and there’s something in me that needs to pull others up into their most light honoring life, like some heat seeking missile for every dark place in the world — to shine the light … and I can’t explain why that drive is in me other than it seems part of why I’m here.

Well one way is puppets. I act out situations that have happened with puppets. It allows me time to work out from various angles what happened and I explore various ways to respond. I actually look for puppets that look like various archetypes that I encounter daily, I might look for a puppet that is a snake to fill in for more antisocial types and then I can work out whatever it is with the snake puppet.

I love it as it helps keep me from getting nervous or working anyone up into being this big scary monster as the puppet allows me to humanize them and the experience … by communicating with the puppet them, working for solutions and going for some humor … it keeps me from becoming fearful which I view as something negative for my overall health. I think you can be self protective while also not being fearful of others or the world. I think the darkness is hate and fear, so I tend to avoid those things.

One thing I notice is I really aim for inclusivity and a worldview that opens and is open to life and everyone around me. I think solutions are possible that take into account your needs and the other person’s tendencies that are peaceful, joyful and positive.

Honestly, I think fundamentally the non-mask wearer types are the same people who believe it’s a dog eat dog world and every person needs to fend for themselves. So if you are too weak to survive, their mentality is, it isn’t their problem.

But really on a deep level, they just lack faith in love. They lack heart energy.

One of my friends growing up was sexually abused by their dad, what’s weird is I spent a lot of time talking to him (prior to knowing what had happened) and having pretty in-depth philosophical conversations. He had been an orphan in Boston growing up and had a pretty challenging life of essentially fending for himself and not receiving much mercy or compassion. I’m not saying that’s why he did what he did … but he seemed to lack heart energy. All his views were really selfish, like why pay workers in China better if it increases prices to me kind of mentality. And he most definitely would be someone who’d agree with the anti-masker stuff.

What’s sad is like looking at the whole of his life, he was in such a bubble in terms of knowing anyone with a more generous and caring outlook, at least adults, most of the people around him had that kind of every person for themselves mentality, so that growth and change was really difficult to see happening. I don’t know what happened to him as his daughter confronted him and told the whole family what he’d done which was awesome. She’s doing great now herself, his darkness couldn’t bring her down. But it was such a lesson for me in how many kids fall through the cracks cause in certain neighborhoods, it is every person for themselves and no one notices a malnourished scared girl. She’s told me before she partly thinks she has done well because my family helped to feed and help her from when I met her onward to her graduating HS.

Part of the pandemic thing had me thinking about all these little kids being abused by their parents, no respite, no school to escape to, which just strengthened by resolve to change things. I only wish I had more in me to give as the need is so great.

Basically, I think it’s a lack of heart energy for whatever reason.

Man that blows. Glad you figured that out early. I too have dealt with scammers and one of the greatest gifts I received out of that is true empathy for the people who marry conmen and that goes on for years, now that is some PTSD inducing stuff. Before that I’d sometimes as bad as it sounds think, oh well, we all choose our partners and they must have known … no brah, these people are mind game ninjas, throwing nunchucks and throwing stars at every weak point, whapppaaaaw. Mind game ninjas. You gotta break out the ninjitsu Bruce Lee skills with those fist of fury, whachaaawww block your attacks! 😛

Anyway, with scammer types I try and imagine that we are both ninjas and we are fighting it out. And I’m like oh your crouched rooster meets my drunken monkey oooh-ooh-aah-ah. Yeah, you like my drunken monkey moves! haha. They don’t know I’m thinking that but it at least makes me laugh.