I wasn’t ready for this question a few days ago and struggled to answer it but like, wow dude … like having these odd experiences, is it in my head? Like just getting greater mastery of creating certain feelings like compassion and love, just weird how it’s developing, this like incredible patience which is not at all my typical happens and it never would have happened if not for the hard things happening … like it pushed me into these explorations emotionally/mentally which are then oddly pushing me towards greater compassion. I didn’t intend for that it just is happening.

I’m going to do something a bit unconventional but sometimes people think that you ease distress by reaching out but sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is to leave them alone. The willingness to read and respect other’s boundaries and how much distance they want is actually kindness.

In my experience people who tend to have difficulty giving other’s space have unresolved emotional issues, so that sometimes the best way we can learn to give others the comfort of space is by working out our own issues.

I think people are as generous as they can be, a lot of times it’s easy to generous if you have a glut haha. I don’t know … maybe I need to be more understanding of other’s perspectives and what it’s like to be in their circumstances day in and out, what their background might be, and how all that forms the person I deal with in that moment. The difficult person being rude in front of me, didn’t form overnight, there’s a long chain of circumstance, genetics, experience that are forming that person and I need to be OK with who I deal with in that moment.

I feel envy often occurs for me when people seemingly have things that I feel are not possible for me but that I want … and it’s a powerful tool to determine why I want those things, what I really want and how to develop towards gaining more of those things.

Like a huge motivator for me is I want a peaceful life, sometimes I’ll see people and feel envy as they seemingly have peace … so it’s a bell saying, this is what you want, go after that thing, figure out how to build the mental resources, emotional resources, the material resources, whatever it is to get to having that thing you see in others you envy. I try to break it down into its component parts, to create a kind of anatomy of what it is that I envy then work to build those things in my life.

That might mean reading some self help books, that might be adjusting my diet, might mean taking relaxing baths, that might mean a whole lot of things but I think envy feeds upon a sense of disempowerment, that you see something and feel it isn’t within your power to have that thing ever and so that’s when envy occurs. But it may be a completely faulty understanding of the situation. So I think the proper response is to understand the situation and aim for as much possible for oneself.

Give money to people with sob stories unless I’ve thoroughly vetted their stories. I learned that the hard way. You claim you need rent money, then you need medication money, then you need increasingly bizarre things and the stories don’t even make sense anymore to prior stories. I care what happens to people but I really dislike when someone is trying to scam me so my default with sob stories if you want large cash sums is like, give me some proof this a legit need. Not feel I have to save anyone from their own choices or be close friends with people who are engaged in what I deem unhealthy lifestyles. Feel guilt for the good things in my life.

The thing is kindness varies a lot by circumstance and person. Kindness to some people might be realizing they have Schizoid and prefer you not talk to them, others kindness might mean sending a text every so often checking in. Kindness as a doctor might be outright saying bluntly, you have near zero chance and your remaining couple months might be better spent with your family instead of getting painful treatments. Kindness could mean people starting to drive down the shoulder lane when the traffic is super congested if they are gonna use an upcoming offramp, that’s not the most honest but helps slightly relieve congestion. Kindness could be the things you don’t say or bring up, like your partners failures or the times they let you down. Kindness could be withholding judgment and angry stares on the dude blasting music out of his car because you don’t understand who they are, what they’ve lived through or they might even be hard of hearing … so maybe you just sit there staring ahead a bit expressionless.

Kindness takes lots of forms and they aren’t always obvious to others. Kindness is a willingness too, I think, to try to understand other’s perspectives, the things that annoy you in someone and why that person is how they are which may even mean appreciating someone is a narcissist and the best thing you can do out of kindness for them and you is to stop being so “kind” and just walk. So who is waiting for me to be kind? Probably everyone. But everyone needs different kinds of kindness, it isn’t always gonna be in the form of being super sweet and nice … sometimes kindness has teeth and is vigorous and assertive. I don’t think kindness is a one size fit all kind of thing so it requires thought, considering the person and understanding others perspective without pulling my own issues and assumptions into it and understanding their values, it’s way beyond just being nice. What is kind for me could be totally not appropriate for someone else.

My point is being kind doesn’t necessarily mean being a punching bag or doormat that’s just excessively “understanding” and milquetoast, you can actually be very kind while being very assertive and what is kind requires some level of really problem solving, really being honest about what is happening, to understand who the person is and the circumstances … and you may find the kindest course of action is not responding to someone. Kindness can have strength, can fight against someone’s stupid ideas without disconnecting from the reality they have worth and value even if you find their ideas destructive and stupid. Kindness is not the absence of conflict, of disagreement, it isn’t always a happy puppy agreeing with everyone to keep the peace. Kindness is OK calling things what it is … you are a racist, you are a chauvinist, you believe in something irrational and kind of shitty, drinking too much brah wtf. And if you are doing that with kindness, you can say your peace, make understood what is happening is sort of messed up, without it being a forever condemnation on them and without any hate in your heart, if anything it’s you connecting genuinely with this other person and from a place of respect … you are saying outright, what you disagree with, what you see as harmful. I think that’s a type of kindness not always seen as kindness.

Kindness is outright telling people what is possible in context to them and what you can’t give them or don’t want to. Kindness has boundaries. It’s telling that one friend always trying to bum shit that you are fine being friends, sometimes helping them out but most of the time you don’t feel comfortable with that, ex: I’m not always gonna pay for dinner, if they wanna just hang these are the terms … those are the boundaries you have and they can take it or leave it. That’s kindness too. This is what I can give and this is what I can’t/don’t want to. Having your boundaries without guilt is a great thing to give others actually, very kind because you often then help them understand how to build their own boundaries and express their needs, to let others know when they are pushing over a boundary. It’s deeply intimate, way more intimate than being nice and pliable, to tell someone your boundaries outright.

Kindness has a backbone, has courage. It isn’t just being doormat.

Art and beauty. Beauty to me is in a lot of things, natural things like plants, scenery and animals or actions that are beautiful … beauty is in excellence, athletes who do incredible things like surf 100 foot waves, architecture that is beautiful, trust and friendship is also beautiful, someone who helps someone else. I just am drawn to and nourished by beauty. I also love art, all kinds and pretty much need a daily art injection to keep me going most days. I love seeing expression and creativity, love things that help to explore stories and feelings. The funny thing is I’m extremely utilitarian in a lot of ways, always trying to streamline and find the efficient way … but when it comes to art, it’s just necessary for my sanity and the health of my feelings.

My faith and what I value in behavior from people and what I don’t value has a lot to do with what to me seems beautiful. Helping others, being brave, excellence at what you are trying to do … I think all that is beautiful. I have an instinct to want beauty to be in the world and encourage it in the world.

I tend to make people laugh by poking fun at reality, like a photo of someone who looks like they have been run over by a bus with a wary smile and the caption: ready to rise and grind! I made a doctor laugh heartily recently by poking fun at myself and how I couldn’t die as my house was too much a mess. I also tend to joke about failure, about near accidents, about loss, about being tired or wary, about things sort of cynical also … I find I joke a lot about the darker stuff in life. I think it’s healthy to try to find the humor and lighten things a bit. I also find I just like darker humor or stuff that pokes fun at the ironic and tries to lighten the darker stuff into something less scary. When things are difficult I’ll watch some cartoons of characters being run over by trains, like Wile Coyote type stuff and it really helps me to be like, I’m gonna laugh at this and from that I feel more energy to figure things out.

Winning after a long hard battle of countless failures and moments of complete loss of confidence where I seriously wondered if I could pull it off … I’m seriously someone who loves climbing mountains, the pain, the worrying you might die, the feeling your body can’t go on, the psychological battle of the lows … all that to finally get to that point where you are like, I can’t believe I actually did it. Like that total and complete giving it everything and feeling constantly that you are so close to giving up and having to fight for it then that moment you just do it finally after all that pain… I love it!! I love the challenge.

In terms of visible, well … I got bills and so if I could wake up tomorrow and be set in terms of all those bills for life haha. Can I get an amen? Upside is I’ve been shopping at our local Chinatown and you can get produce there pretty affordably plus who doesn’t enjoy shopping amongst random cats, dogs and rats the size of dachshunds haha. But seriously, it’s a fun time.

In terms of invisible help … my faith has really been shaken by the response of Christians to Covid-19 and especially the vaccines. So if there could be some kind of sign from the Lord that like ugh … I don’t even know, just have no idea how to process all that. I was amongst the first to get vaccinated when they opened it up to more people and I still wear a mask … I do all that because I don’t want to be the reason someone you know dies. That the Christians around me aren’t ugh thinking that same thought of concern for others is ugh yeah.

Using my brain haha. I feel if more humans were willing to actually reason things out the world would suck a whole lot less. Feelings are not facts and while valid and important to the person feeling … a feeling that Covid-19 is God testing humanity and thus the chosen will be safe from Covid-19 while Bill Gates is trying to murder humanity with vaccines is harmful and not effective use of reasoning.

I say all this as a devout Christian … that it’s been wild to see how many Christians are rejecting vaccines due to what really just sounds like their feelings instead of facts, data, knowledge and it’s crazy to me also just based off that whole love your neighbor thing. I feel sometimes frustrated with spiritual types as they sometimes rely too much on intuition and feelings without realizing, you also have a brain capable of reasoning and rationality. So I serve others by using my brain.

I sort of think I already am doing pretty good on moving towards zero waste … though I live on an island that imports almost all our food so it is a bit challenging. Meh. I think these things are gradual small changes, you implement one or two things get into the habit then change up a few more things and gradually it just becomes your new norm. I guess my point is … do a few things, don’t stress too much about it, then do a few more things and slowly it’ll just change to being pretty green.