Just want to say that love has been surprising me so often all the last years, by several of dear friends, close family, kind spiritual guidance and you all here. My first reply might have given the impression as if it was a matter of course for me to love in return while since long, I most painfully was aware that I was often unable to open up to truly love and which in fact was more of a struggle, and still is – but here I am, in process to be more able to love by now, starting to open up to it, starting to be able to love in return. I am deeply grateful for the help of these friends, for their kindness and love expressed.

Hello my dear friends here in the Lounge, please allow me to share something quite personal, which currently moves me deeply. Recently something decisive happened. Out of nowhere, an old memory appeared, and not only that, but also the associated feelings which had been suppressed unobserved since childhood. I have known for a long time that it was my parents’ excessive demands in their struggle for survival that provided the framework for the experience described below. This article will be quite long for once, and I kindly ask for your understanding and patience.

Something happened during a lecture. All of a sudden, sentences are spoken that completely unexpected frighten me, triggered by words and images such as “red light”, “nothing works anymore”, “isolation”, “being cut off from the others”, …. I can no longer hear what they refer to, but hear them through the ear of the past. There is a time jump and a fall into a kind of paranoia. I begin to cry, then sob, can no longer calm myself down, and this in the middle of a seminar. People are affected. Inexorably, deep despair breaks its course inside of me, and such a strong fear of punishment.

I see myself again as a six or seven year old girl. It was the first time I had been given a responsibility. I was supposed to bring money to a bank. There was still time left, the streets were deserted because of the siesta, so I thought of a game. I wanted to do magic and try to move the purse towards me with a spell. So I put the purse on the sidewalk, turned around, said a made-up spell, hopped back joyfully about 10 steps and then looked through the straddled legs to where I had put the purse, hoping that maybe it would have been moved towards me by the spells like on an imaginary ribbon. But: she was gone! Restless and confused, I tried other spells, but the wallet did not appear. I ran to the place where I had put it down, looked into the entrances of the house and around one or two lonely cars nearby, but there was not a soul. The purse remained missing.

“This time they’ll beat me to death,” I thought at that time, “because now I have actually really done something bad”. Suddenly it became clear to me: the trust placed in me I had gambled away.
I no longer knew where to go and was in mortal fear for hours. At some point it got dark. After endless hours of pain, I finally crept home. Against all expectations, they were relieved and nobody hit me. That they might have been afraid for me had not occurred to me for a second.

This event had a drastic effect on my life. Today I know: that is what experiences of violence do with children – panicky fear, fear of death, perhaps also irrepressible rage.

But you know what? Since the revival, things do change. Having been gifted with re-experiencing this trauma and gaining consciousness of the deep emotions, which have been unconsciously fixed to it is freeing and sets things in motion. Finally. For this I am eternally grateful to those who helped me to loosen the (hidden and ancient) spiritual knot. It is hardly to believe: Sometimes, I feel like playing again. Harold and Maude send their regards! ☺ !
And you know what? After the lecture where this all broke open, the gold-colored embroidered ritual bag, which always contains my travel Buddha and which mysteriously had disappeared for a few days, reappeared. Life really is a mystery. It is an arrival in the here and now. I am happy and deeply grateful to life and to my dear friends for this unexpected and fundamental help. And a big Thank you to you here, dear friends, for reading this far and being here.

Right now I am grateful for having the joy of tasting a really delicious tea made of roasted buckwheat. I love to smell the slight spicy aroma and when the soft, beautiful taste unfolds, mmmhhh! Somehow this tea feels especially tender inside the body and in the same time nourishing in a most gentle way. For a moment, it leaves a slightly prickling sensation and a trace of its taste on the tongue, lasting for a little while and prolonging and intensifying the joy in an almost unnoticed way. It conjures a silent “thank you” inside of me.

Somehow the beauty in others, and with it, love, needs to be consistently felt inside, I guess, independent from what happens around. Sometimes, when consistency is reduced, it helps to remember to greet the divine in the other and bow to it silently when meeting. It is to relocate perceiving not so much the outer appearance but the light we all share. This means as well to let go of any judgement and to meet and perceive and relate with the other beyond adopted approaches and consciously let go of these. If I manage to be still and open my heart, honoring the beauty in others flows naturally.

Obviously there have been many misunderstandings concerning this theme. There was a documentation recently on TV, reporting about stunning results of recent scientific studies which currently and worldwide seem to be fostered intensely. Joy and gratefulness go along with healing and healing goes along with joy and gratefulness. This to my understanding does not necessarily mean cure of the physical body. The deeper aspects are intimately connected as being an expression of His pure Love, as all physical existence is, too.

Thank you for rereading and writing again, dear Mary. It is your kindness that you listened a second time. Yes, this is what I wanted to convey, but it is rather my inability to express myself in a way that it arrives. And if it does not arrive, it is required to honestly prove what is missing. Am I missing being grateful or am I missing the freedom to express it, and what is required for this to be changed? Something I have to ask myself. As I said above, for the moment being, it is work in progress. Thank you dearly for your attention, Mary.