During a few stages of my life, some of them years long, I have lived ‘off the grid’ so-to-speak. Once in a third world country, and then here while living in intentional communities. By that I mean outside of the consumer economy. Not that it is better or even admirable to live that way, as much as it is in a sense, revealing how much of our experience day-to-day is monetized. Escaping that even for a few hours (on a hike out of cell range) rewards in a sense of freedom from that dependence. It’s invigorating like a cold shower. Savoring it is recognizing that this invitation to materialistic silence is a friend. And comes in assorted flavors: power outages, long freight trains at rail crossings, forgetting to bring my headphones on a walk…all ways silence ambushes my otherwise crowded agenda and curls up on my lap like a cat demanding attention.

Oh if but this were true. For bestowing respect in a perfect world would indeed elicit reciprocal responses from others. And yet…I suppose the respect I give when given with NO expectation of any response is a true gift without obligation and therefore the more valuable. Lets the other person of the hook. It is a generous act. So the How of it is simple enough: Acknowledgment of their presence, their very existence. Not ignoring them. Looking them in the eye. It is even when frail and fleeting a basis of relationship. It is a form of blessing but not from me to them but from them to me.

The shadow side is where the work lies. It is where light is needed. Light having a variety of connotations: new learning, bravery, truth finding and telling, growth and confrontations of weakness and fear. These confrontations and their composite sets of resistance are required in order to reveal my soul to my awareness. It is doing the hard things. Every time I break my word, let myself or others down, don’t live up to my own standards, it has been a result of laziness and laxity. Every single time. Knowing this in my bones from experience gives me the fortitude to put one foot in front of the other.

I cannot do it alone. That’s why we have all come so far together.

The connection is in some way a manifestation of my acknowledgement of an Other. There are some similar attitudes that work the same dynamically yet have very different feelings and outcomes, like resentment and anger, to name a few. But this energetic ‘nodding’ through gratitude is recognition of kinship and the positive aspect of it is in my experience comforting. It speaks of partnership which has some beneficial elements. I think in some ways we all crave to belong. And gratitude is my way of almost asserting my belonging.

I read this question hours ago, and while I have been working (driving for Uber) I have been reflecting on it. I honestly can’t think of anything that ‘fear’ has prevented me from. Nothing obvious, as fear long ago ceased being a reason not to move forward, albeit with caution. However, doubt, which may be a way that fear is cloaked from my awareness, this has been a source of holding back many many times. The doubt that is rooted in a suspicion of my own motives, my abilities, my willingness to follow through. And my doubt in my own intelligence and wisdom. I often come to the conclusion that I am, alas, not up to the task. So, perhaps not living to my full potential. And, upon further reflection, I am OK with this. I want to be clear that I am not speaking of an unwillingness to fail. I am an inveterate risk taker. I do not hold back from difficult obligations of conscience or duty. No, it is that I am unwilling to risk hubris. To act out of an arrogance and false sense of entitlement.

This may not speak to the question at all, I realize this. But I wanted to share it nonetheless, get it out of my head and to contribute to our discourse (which I value greatly).

Happy Sunday all.

The broken, the wounded, the damaged goods. The failures. But not all of them. The ones who have had the greatest impact on me are the ones who I can identify with. With whom I share an affliction, and that have survived despite these challenges. We get knocked about in life (or at least I do) and it is easy to think that is the exception when, in reality, it is most certainly not. And the ones who get through it and thrive have been my lights in a storm. They show me the path, and inspire hope when there isn’t much cause for it.

Everyday, well…most days, I receive gratuities from riders. This is an amazing custom, and unlike with cabbies in most places in the US, it is NOT expected in Ubers, and so it is a true expression of kindness and gratitude from riders when they happen. The amount is always inadvertent to the sentiment. And that they happen daily, and impact my daily experience in the midst of the ebb and flow they are that much more appreciated. It lifts my spirits. And I am always so grateful to get the acknowledgement.

Some of these questions of late have really tickled me! As a Virgo I have a file with suggestions on how to get started! Seriously, the untidiness and disorder are apparently a feature not a bug. We are each in our way forced to come to terms with that and alter ourselves accordingly. So many of the things that appear wrong are somehow linked to the way I perceive them. The rest are simply the work set out for me to do. They become opportunities to contribute. Do the dishes, take out the garbage, sweep the garage…there’s plenty to do.

Many years ago I read Scott Peck’s book “The Road Less Travelled” and it was like getting a road map for how to actualize my desire to live an authentic life. A life that was the result of being guided by the lights of truth. Like anyone I suppose I can get caught up and start careening down some rail about something before I am awakened by what I now recognize as a critically important small voice sounding an alarm. Other times it is as simple as looking at the facts, which indicate the impossibility of my taking some action or other, or demanding attention be given to a suddenly critical condition. Not so much of health but of deviations from what I now understand to be the demands of my soul. So the simple answer is that I walk with intention, looking for blazes on the trees in the woods and cairns on the bare hilltops. I pay attention.

I don’t know about any of you, but I can’t help read this as if the word gifts has air quotes LOL…”So, what might be some of these so-called ‘gifts’ you have received in solitude?”

Solitude, true, actual solitude, is indisputably holy ground in my experience. You come face to face with the truths and forced to stare at them. The most precious fruit borne of my times of solitude has been a decent capacity for accurate self appraisal. This one skill has brought so much value. For once you can be true to yourself, and more importantly Willing to be so, you discover the essence of liberation.

It is the place I am introduced to the shadow, and bear it. Once this has been mastered even a little…then…the true work can begin.