At this point gratitude is fairly habitual. I suppose there is a shift in my perception of Source when I am more consciously grateful. Without thinking about it I consider myself ‘lucky’ or ‘fortunate’. When in fact it is a matter of my being receptive to being open and available to be used as a conduit. I am not really sure I have ever considered that I have a single purpose here, on the planet I mean. And yet, that may be it: to be useful. And I have to get out of the way for that to even be remotely possible, and that is a shift in perspective. Gratitude is a platform for the servant disposition required to do that.

I referred to my curiosity the other day in reference to my doubt. My curiosity is rooted in a lack of complacency. It triggers a sense of wonder. Wonder can be magical. It fosters a desire to draw new maps. Much is said about life long learning, all good. I of course concur. The data, the knowledge gained, is useful, invigorating perhaps even life altering. Wonder is the fuel that ignites me. Yes, curiosity invites me to wonder. And occasionally seek to grasp dreams and beckon them into reality.

I savor what I pay attention to. So the how of it is by being a better observer. I am way better than I used to be. I used to project my desired life onto the actual day like an image projected onto a wall…and behaved as if the projection was actual life. Now I tend to do that way less.

I have a house guest who is looking for a place here. We have spent a few afternoons driving around to open houses. We are looking at much more expensive places than what I have. It’s been interesting for me as I have reacted the opposite of what I would expect. Instead of envy, I come home and as we enter my place, and as I look out at it in the growing light writing this, I so love the place more. I have seen nowhere I would rather live. In a sense it has allowed me to savor it in the way I think the question implies. I have a place, and a time to live. Here and now. I am enough. I have a role, a job if you will. All of which, not that long ago, I not only didn’t have any deep awareness of, but in fact rejected out-of-hand by preferring my fantasy world in my head. I have said that I have finally found my nest, when, in actuality, I have simply come into myself.

From there, grounded in that place, I can really ‘see’. And taking it all in, inclusively, I am open to the ability to savor all of it.

My senses are instruments, constantly providing data about my surroundings. It is feedback. The interpretation of that data is a matter of cognition. I experience gratitude as a posture, a position I take. A stand. Fundamental in a knowing that no matter what the feedback I am better off alive than not. When I sense pleasure it is an easy position to take, life is good, the world is so obviously filled with beauty in those moments. When I sense darkness and threat, pain, fear, that is when, like a drowning man I cling to gratitude like a life ring. So the invitation is really remembering that I want to live, am ultimately grateful to be here, and so summon the will to hold fast.

Many times. Currently I am reading a book a participant on one of my tours gave me. It is written by James Bradley who is a historian and wrote ‘Flags of Our Fathers’ and ‘Flyboys’. This book is called ‘The Imperial Cruise’. It is about the late 19th century conquest of the Pacific by the US in the era of Teddy Roosevelt. Basically it is completely turning my perspective of our national psyche on its head. And much of our current domestic frothing makes MUCH more sense, and is frankly a lot more disturbing. While discouraging to read for its implications for my country I am very grateful to be reading it.

We are living in some pretty dark times. And I am best served in such a time to think for myself. To actually make an effort to get to the bottom of enough of this so that I can make decisions in alignment with my faith. My doubt is sourced in my suspicion that there is more going on than I can see or know. It is not unlike my curiosity yet doubt is accompanied by a certain anxiety. My faith reinforces my confidence so as not to shake my ability to bear looking. To not turn away from the general vicinity of the truth. Because the worst thing, that which will absolutely not serve my interests, is to fear the truth, especially when it is about myself.

I used to just take pictures. See something interesting I wanted to capture in an image, point, and shoot. Now I take my time. Before I pick up the camera I check out the lighting. Where is the sun coming from? Which direction will offer the most color? Shadow? Then, looking through the view finder, I begin to frame. Paying attention to the outline of the view, the proportion of sky to land/water for example, where is the horizon? Then focus in and out on the object. None of this takes a lot of time, but it does take time. I am recollecting myself. It is in that span of time that the artist may show up.

It is the same way with life. I have to get some distance from it, especially when it is challenging. That’s the only way I can show up. The only way that whatever nuggets of experience I have gleaned can produce an authentic response to life, one that allows me to live artfully

My perfectionism. I tend to see it as an attribute of my personality that is a liability. This is because it seems that I get pretty intense and critical when doing almost anything if I don’t do it perfectly. It sometimes rides like a task master, and the voice is a bit harsh and unforgiving. I could shift this I think. My perfectionism is based on my own high standards for myself. And in some ways my faith (small f) is critically connected to my trust in myself that I am perfectly capable of success. This can, perhaps, in a certain light (squinting slightly LOL) look like self love.

Sometimes I go through life as if it were a Lottery Ticket before the drawing date. Metaphorically going about my business as if I could be not just a big winner but maybe matching a few numbers and at least winning back the cost of the ticket. Letting go of the expectations allows me to both daydream about very happy endings and sometimes catastrophize about just how awful it is going to be. The thing is I have bought the ticket, so letting go of the outcome does help with being in the moment.

When meeting strangers (in fact tonight I am going to an event where I know very few people) I am often touched by a sense of embarrassment. An awkwardness in the sense of not really sure what my place is, where I fit. I do have social confidence, and an ability to convey friendliness, it’s more this twinge of doubt. Am I supposed to be someplace else? With family it is more like listening for the rhythm and then getting into step. Or (for the surfers out there!) sitting on the board looking out to the horizon and reading the waves, waiting for the right one to ride. So I suppose rather than a sense of embarrassment it is a knowing that I belong and falling into line. With strangers I find I can surprise. They do not expect me to be who I am. With family I avoid surprises, which as a tribe we generally abhor.

Self awareness. In this sense: a capacity to look about and determine what internal contradictions are possibly in the way. For it is only when I am internally sorted that ‘going deep’ is even remotely possible. So I cast about for any withheld communications. Any admissions, amends, resentments that will inevitably cloud the waters. This kind of self reflection always turns up something. And only resolving these will provide the clarity needed. Otherwise it is pointless at best, delusion at worst. For without some semblance of the truth I am only play acting. Spiritual pretense is, for me at least, toxic to any potential for enlightenment.

I (as usual) read and answered the question before reading the responses. I obviously get put in the box labeled ‘gained perspective and was crushed’ LOL…I suppose I am of the ilk that was in many respects in a bubble so am constantly getting enlightened as to the true nature of things. I have never read the quote of the day as part of my morning routine here so can’t speak to that. My absence of late has been due to a crazy work schedule (SO happy to have been so busy) and then, sometimes, the question just sits there and nothing comes…so I don’t write any contribution.

I appreciate you SO much.