This morning I think of my dad, who took me to his workshop with him and taught me how to work with wood and do practical things around the house like a little plumbing, painting, repairing, etc. He taught me not to be afraid to TRY.

My mom, who taught me good baking and cooking. Much of it was farm-style, but what little girl gets taught how to make croissants? Thanks mom. You gave me a world of fun and good eats.

Dr. Chester Bowling, who taught me organic farming, sustainability, understanding the seasons and observation, who truly gave me the skill to grow my own food and be able to grow food for others. Who taught me much about civic duty, who led by example and who has given much to this community in co-operative initiatives.

To Ruth Heiser, an elderly lady who used to volunteer at a place I worked so very long ago, who used to scold me if I put a glass jar in the trash… because it is she who gave me the gift of recycling before anyone else around here was, long before curbside recycling when we had to collect and transport to a center, who taught me to think of the world and generations to come, and who started me on the path to lighten my footprint. Thank you Ruth, you are missed.

And yesterday I was using a gift given to me by Marco Wilkinson who used to work at one of the botanical gardens in NYC. Yesterday someone banged into a plum tree I hadn’t yet planted and broke part of it off. I took the broken piece inside, carefully trimmed parts away, rolled the little twigs in rooting hormone, and planted nine of them into two pots, where hopefully they will root, and give me some more plum trees.

There are so many more. I will be thinking of more all day!

The last year has seen much change in my household. My middle child, now 21, moved into an apartment around the corner. My youngest son went to college, so my husband and I are now empty-nesters and it is a new chapter in our lives. All our kids are adults now, so we are all shifting a bit as we treat them like adults… that is working well. Covid Year was a big BURP in my new career of sustainable agriculture, and for the first time, I had no income from a job, which was both good and bad, I must say. So my big questions are:

What’s NEXT? (I have begun downsizing, rearranging, renovating our big home… is selling it in the future for a smaller home? When? What do we want as we age? When should the changes come? What is the longer vision down the road, so I can make better choices now?)

Now that I have some time for myself what can I do FOR myself? (I think I need to work on my health and fitness, which I deferred when I was so busy with family life).

Do I get part-time work for a while to replenish our savings, or throw myself into full-time market farming and spend a bit more to get a business started?

How can I get to carbon neutral or better as quickly as possible, as wild weather is clearly here, and going to be getting worse? I am concerned we are as a world, shifting too slowly to prevent tragedies.

As usual, I think practically first, spiritually second…. or at least it appears that way. I recognize the interplay with spirit and the way we live, and what is in life and spirit. But I have a BIG PICTURE, always, and values and vision guide me in my practical choices. Love guides me, for one. Our family is now physically apart, and yet we seem to be growing closer. I think that a big success. We have good communication these days. I’ve returned to daily meditation – at last – after a very long absence. Clearing out stuff from the house shows me I’m at a new level of non-attachment, and feeling more secure. Covid-Year did it… go figure! Lol. I feel more grateful than ever before, again, Covid helped me realize this. I think overall, I’m heading in the right direction, that I have in mind what is important (love, gratitude, sustainability, humanity, happiness, physical and mental health, etc.) it is just the details that need working out as situations change.

That was a good question today. It brought everything to the foreground for me to “think out loud” and sum up what has been running in the background of my mind. It let me put it together into a cohesive whole. At the end of my life what will matter? The love I gave and encouraged in others. What I did for sustainability and carbon neutrality (as that may actually help save lives and life in the natural world). The labor of my hands that helped make something, restore something, feed someone, and what I was able to give to others. And the moments of life I was able to enjoy for myself, with gratitude.

Sometimes when life is uncertain and unpleasant, or when much change is taking place, I pick the music score. Lol. It helps! We like uncertainty and transitions in movies and books. I find that by placing myself in a movie of sorts helps me to realize this is not the end of the movie… it is the challenge…. and that resolution and a satisfactory ending will come. In some strange way it helps me to endure the uncertainty of the present with less fear, to hear music in my head and perhaps feel that I am the heroine in a story that is unfolding.

Change and uncertainty is a part of life. I’m not sure I would even feel alive if I knew what would happen tomorrow, a year from now, and which day and how I would die. While I am in this ever-moving river and I’m watching scenery go by on the shore, I am in a place where anything might happen. That can be scary if we look at it that way and only expect crashing against the rocks, but it also could be the source of all dreams come true, all wonderful people we have yet to meet, experiences yet to have or share, love yet to feel, things yet to learn, ways yet to grow, love and nurturing yet to give, understanding yet to have.

Our leaders are in a difficult position. If they gave what we have and took away from people here who wanted it, there would certainly be a horrible backlash of anger, which might even prevent getting needed things done. And merely redistributing a limited number of vaccines would still be playing musical chairs. There is simply not enough. We must work diligently at solving the issues of producing more of what the world needs by whichever means we can… certainly we need to allow more places to produce vaccines. The obstruction to that currently is mostly on the end of the pharmaceutical companies, I think, along with bureaucracy. I wish we had solved this long before now, but acting now is the next best option.

That is a bravely honest examination. I am also recently experiencing an empty nest. Though yes, we are letting go, or at least transitioning some of our relationships, it is also a time to again pick up and discover our self (which we have set aside for some time) and to find new things to feed our spirits, to have time for friendships, to perhaps foster an animal in need, to perhaps take up a class in history or art, to get civically involved, to join a bicycle club, take a job, or any of a million other things. Choose something new to put into the “empty,” Antoinette. Perhaps reopen an old dream you didn’t have time before to explore. Allow new blessings to come to you. Best wishes, Antoinette.

It is a deep tragedy unfolding in India. You asked how you might help. I hope I am not overstepping here, but I think we can not go wrong by helping Unicef. Unicef was started by a survivor of the Holocaust… something I only just recently learned. It has stood the test of time, and reaches globally. They are involved in the COVAX project. You can find out more here: https://www.unicef.org/supply/covax-ensuring-global-equitable-access-covid-19-vaccines

Secondly, quite by accident some years ago I found a non-profit organization that reviews the practices of all larger non-profit charities… a sort of “oversight” organization. You can look up any charity you wish to check on, or you can look up their list of four star charities, etc. And from that find out about the organizations transparency rating and such. You can find them here: https://www.charitynavigator.org/

You have a BIG HEART, Toni. It is a privilege knowing you.