I agree with Michelle.. I have found and been in love with several women in my life. For various reasons, things did not pan out but I must admit that the ending of each love relationship was difficult because in one way or another I still care and have feelings because of the memories. I am presently in love with my wife of 20 years but I do know that both of us are not always at our parents best with each other. But the love we have keeps us strong. I am trying to not let my actions create doubt of love. With this pandemic, all the negativity surrounding it and the reactions I see or read by others is stressful at times. And this negativity is sometimes dragging me into it. I must try to avoid focusing on the news, and concentrate more on the positives

This is a difficult concept for me. Has been and still is. I have abandonment issue that originated when I was a child and teen. I am in a good relationship with my wife, but sometimes my thoughts enter and think what if? I’ve also had some past experiences, the end of my first marriage, the moving away of my son with his mother when I was young I know that this is not healthy for me so I’m continuing on with my self esteem and independence work. In reality I know that I cannot control the minds of others. If my wife were to decide that she no longer wanted to be with me, I have no control of that. I would still love her, but still want her to be happy. That is the true meaning on not being selfish. As in the Sting song, “if you love someone, set them free”

Everyday .. I try to have delight in the fact when I wake up and am alive. This thinking is reinforced with my daily time for meditation, enjoying my herbal tea as I do my readings. Going for my daily walks and enjoying spending time with my wife. The time of Christmas brings more joy as I look at our decorated tree inside the house, knowing that all my gifts are bought and wrapped, feeling fortunate that even though this year we cannot share family time , my wife and I have at least each other’s company. Playing my guitar and listening to music adds to my daily joy .

Focusing on the fact that we as humans are circling the sun together on this blue ball. That genetically we are connected to each other so we belong to each other. Because of this thinking I try to be sensitive to others, to understand why they are behaving a certain way and even though we may not agree on issues , I try to treat others the way how I would treat myself. Because of our connection, yes we are all flawed but I try to accept this fact and show love. Hopefully my actions will transcend around, spread and make the peace world a better place ..

With the current pandemic, I know that Christmas will not be the same. We usually travel to our parents home for Christmas and New Years to celebrate together. We normally take a train to my father in laws place, but we don’t feel comfortable right now doing that. To drive there is a 7 hour venture and to do so again would mean not feeling comfortable stopping for a meal or lavatory business. We haven’t seen either set of parents for a year. At least I have my wife’s company during the time and thankfully because of modern technology we can skype with our parents. Accepting to think that “ this too will pass” brings hope for the future. With a vaccine, things will eventually return to normalcy and we can look at what is happening now as a life experience and lesson on resilience and gratefulness.

I find that doing mindfulness meditation works..focusing on something else and staying in the now. But this is only a temporary fix especially if it’s something that is deep and affects my inner self. What I’ve learned is that fear or anxiety is our reaction to what happened when we were young and in order to “protect” ourselves we tend to go back to our childhood reactions. I find that realizing that my reaction or emotion is my responsibility and that no one or thing can make me feel this way. My readings have shown that yes it is ok to have these feelings but we need to go back to the original time when we were a child to address the original feeling. The Buddhists call it using the golden thread. Ask why you feel that way, address it but then ask why again, address again and keep on going back to the original situation. Often you will find yourself back to the time and realize what happened made and impression on you. Try to face the facts back then of the reality or perceived perception of what happened. These original feelings may affect your self esteem and create personal lies. We then to support and nurture our inner child who is affected and who creates the feelings of what we experience presently. I I’ve been doing this exercise now for about 7 months whenever something is stressful for me. It has not solved everything, but I have to admit that the repeated going back exercises are helping tremendously on my inner child and it’s self worth. It’s onwards and upwards hopefully to the point where I will accept my feelings without reacting to external stimuli. I am responsible for my reaction..no one or nothing can make me react.

The impact of my mother’s drinking while I was growing up. Alcohol was her demise which finally took her life at 51. My father was away often so it ended up that it was I who looked after my brother and her as well. Because of alcoholism, our family became isolated (our deep secret) and the affect on our family was devastating. I learned to trust no one, never dated anyone in high school because 1. I had difficulty dealing with women 2. I was ashamed to bring anyone to our house. I had few friends. It wasn’t until later on in my life after soul searching, working on my depression and anxiety that I finally came to grips with my feelings. What I am grateful for is the lessons it taught me, to forgive my parents realizing how their own paths were horrible. It also makes me realize how strong I am, that I am a survivor and appreciate everything that I have in my life now.

Two years ago, I became a friend on Facebook to a brother of one of my best friends. I remember Lee when I was growing up..a party guy, a fighter , a toughie who appeared to be wild. He was but it was a personae. Deep inside, Lee suffered. I learned that after several years of self abuse, Lee hit rock bottom. He changed his life, went to university, got his masters in Theology and became an Anglican priest. Several years after preaching, he decided to leave the fold as his attempts to have the church address the problems of child abuse were pushed aside and not pursued. He was disillusioned with the Anglican Church. Lee became a counsellor for trouble youth in a local high school. His spirituality developed more and with his retirement his daily support and contributions posted on social media affected many including myself. He was the one with whom I could relate too, the one who helped me guide away from my own self destruction., the one who helped me see life as what is should be.. full of grace, thanks and love of myself and others

Begin and end my day with reflection and meditation concentrating on all that I have and how fortunate I am. Others around me may not be as joyous. Understand that we all have our own battles and that not everyone show gratitude. Be there for those who are troubled and don’t let their reactions destroy your own gratitude. Perhaps by showing that I am grateful and joyous that this will emanate from me and others will sense and pick up the positive feelings. If not, I will try to not them get me down.

I believe that one must be careful about assuming that everyone is good, that everyone is kind or loving. But at the same time I believe that everyone has some good in them. What we see, what we hear or read is not always a true indicator of a person. We don’t know their whole life story, what’s in their thoughts or minds or what they are presently going Through. Perhaps they have issues that they are dealing with themselves. Humans are born into this world as innocent. It is outside forces that shape them. We cannot always see the good things people do for others, their families or loved ones or what involvement they have contributed to their communities. If we assume that everyone has some good in them no matter what amount, then we stop judging them based solely on negativity. This stops our own feelings of hate, despair, anxiety or depression. We
Focus more on joy, acceptance of life realizing that we are human..no one is perfect