Today, i read this and unfortunately looked at this in a negative way. Probably because of my anxiety and depression that I’ve been experiencing .. I’m trying to accept, breathe and move on.
I consider my parents who were negligent, non parental had the greatest impact on my life. Their actions or non actions molded me into who I am. I’ve been working on this, accepted that they did the best that they could have done, forgiven them but I’ve been dealing with their aftermath and the affect on me. I’ve been struggling for years, and lately it’s risen above. I am working on meditation, gratefulness , and being compassionate to me but it’s been a difficult go for the past few months… and it stems from my spouses deciding whether or not she wants to stay with me. This is triggering my abandonment feelings big time. I’m a work in progress, working on this and the thoughts and feelings that are coming up. ..i just read Howies post…. thanks Howie.. more food for thought..

The brother of the best friend of mine met me last Friday for a walk and meal in the town where we grew up. Lee was an ordained Anglican Church what left because of the inaction being taken over the past abuses. He found employment as a trauma coach in one of the toughest high schools in a city. We connected up several years ago and finally spent a day. Lee shared his wisdom re his spirituality and offered advice and listened to me about my personal difficulties. It was truly a zen day..

This has been my personal battle.. trying to please all those around me, taking their own interests or concerns over mine. I understand that this stems from my wanting to be liked and loved by all. It’s time to love me first, take care of my interests first. Yes compassion of others and wanting to help is important but I’m trying to grasp with thought that these actions cannot be my source of feeling being loved or accepted. Go for a walk in nature..treat myself to a Starbucks.. give positive validations to me.

With me dealing with anxiety; the unknown is something that I don’t deal with very well. More often it’s the fears of things where I don’t have control of. Rationally I know that I shouldn’t worry about things but subconsciously the opposite happens. Because of this often I am afraid to make decisions even for myself which creates more anxiety. I know where my fears stem from . This is an ongoing battle to learn to evaluate my decisions, make the best ones possible and learn and accept them.

Some people I know are a lot more outgoing, involved volunteering their time and energy and are emotionally and intellectually strong so they can go head on with challenges or goals. I am by nature an introvert, do not like large groups, do not have many friends, not as logical or educated as others. To me appreciating others is learning to accept their strengths and personalities yet also accepting who I am, my personal strengths and talents rather than belittling me. We are all part of the same universe but also unique. I am as important as the other person and learning to accept this and love me who I am.