my mother passed her mindset of not liking her body and habit of checking the back of food for the serving size every time she ate. tho she rasied me, as a female growing up in this world, it was not good for 9 year old me to be starting to copying her actions. my father passed his anger issues and traits down to me, i remember his little patience and short temper sense i could remember anything. my sister passed down to me how to be the perfect person to everyone and hide everything till you breakdown one night and hope no one notices, i did that too after seeing her. i copied that, try and look perfect for everyone and make it seem like you have the best life out there, then breakdown once a week at midnight because you held too much in. my brother showed me that not caring about anything can still get you some where in life. he never did school/never went, he graduated and got his bachelors degree and now is a football coach. i now feel like i can give up when ever and say “fuck this” but i dont. because then i wouldnt seem “perfect” because i need good grades like my sister to be perfect, then everyone would see that. my family are my teachers, teachers may know alot about their topic ad what they must teach, but sometimes the way they teach isnt good.

every time i talk, my “attitude” is kinda my personality i don’t like it tho, because i am the bubbly girl thats fun to be with and talk to at school but at home i feel like im not force to pretend im happy and i cant show that the same i do at school. i try too but its hard when you get yelled at for simply saying one thing thats showing an “attitude” even tho ig my attitude is i really dont care, like about anything, thats the part i hate but i cant fix myself but i would never ask someone for help idk why tho. so the situation is my life. some days im really really happy then one little thing with my attitude changes because of the littlest thing i feel like i wanna die or not talk to anyone than i end up having a panic attack at midnight,fall asleep, than wake up and try the day i have planed out but some how because of my attitude it never works out and i try again the next day. for some reason i always say “ill do it tomorrow because its a new day and maybe tomorrow ill have a better mineset ( i really never do)” its a repeat but it keeps me going, thats my situation its just the days over and over again i just want a break from trying to please everyone and myself and just not care but i cant bring my self to do that because theres always a little situation that changes that attitude and i go back to the other mineset. ( this is very long i just really needed to let that out and ive been struggling with my mental health and this helps alot.)