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Gratefulness
this may sound dumb but some of my favorite youtubers and twitch streamers. sometimes i feel stressed about school work for example and if i but on a video of them i can feel safe and become relaxed.
i know for sure that things will get better. i get thoughts i will be stuck in this or always will feel like this, but i know for sure thats not true and i know for sure i can feel better and get better.
complements are a form of kindness so one complement i get lot is people say my eyes are really pretty. when people say this it makes me happy, my sister has blonde hair and blue ish green eyes and i always felt “ugly” when by her because i have brown hair and hazel eyes with some green. but i remember in Florida for spring break this year in a forever 21 the cashier said i had beautiful eyes, and a class mate who sat in front of me just 2 week after i came back from Florida said ...
complements are a form of kindness so one complement i get lot is people say my eyes are really pretty. when people say this it makes me happy, my sister has blonde hair and blue ish green eyes and i always felt “ugly” when by her because i have brown hair and hazel eyes with some green. but i remember in Florida for spring break this year in a forever 21 the cashier said i had beautiful eyes, and a class mate who sat in front of me just 2 week after i came back from Florida said i had interesting eyes but in a good way. he said that my eyes looked gold,brown and green a the same time. thoes little forms of kindness changed the way i think of my self and now i like my eyes and how they look gold in the sun, and almost black when i am in dark rooms, or when they look glossy when i wake up. 🙂
being with/talking to thoes people that just make you forget about everything and just have the best time no matter what is when i feel most alive and is truley the best when your with them and forget every bad thing and are just living the moment. struggling with mental health these times remind me why im happy to be on this earth and i am go glad to be surrounded by the best most wonderful people.
i am a competitive dancer, the nervous yet energetic feeling before i step on the stage/floor to compete has to be the time i feel most alive and out of this world.
my feet. they have carried me, walked me, ran me sense forever, my whole body resting on them and will forever. when i feel like nothings there for me my feet have carried me through everything in my life, the good and bad. the playful times when i would run around on the playground with my childhood friends, the hard times i put on my feet with dance for going on 7 years.
i have enough big, oversized hoodies. my sister always said that you can never have enough of your comfort things. big, soft, hoodies that fit me right under my hips and felt soft like when you first put on a fresh new hoodie is my comfort thing, yes i have maybe 30 hoodies but they make me feel warm and safe so i guess when i have no more space in my closet is when i have enough 🙂
my mother passed her mindset of not liking her body and habit of checking the back of food for the serving size every time she ate. tho she rasied me, as a female growing up in this world, it was not good for 9 year old me to be starting to copying her actions. my father passed his anger issues and traits down to me, i remember his little patience and short temper sense i could remember anything. my sister passed down to me how to be the perfect person to everyone and hide everything till you...
my mother passed her mindset of not liking her body and habit of checking the back of food for the serving size every time she ate. tho she rasied me, as a female growing up in this world, it was not good for 9 year old me to be starting to copying her actions. my father passed his anger issues and traits down to me, i remember his little patience and short temper sense i could remember anything. my sister passed down to me how to be the perfect person to everyone and hide everything till you breakdown one night and hope no one notices, i did that too after seeing her. i copied that, try and look perfect for everyone and make it seem like you have the best life out there, then breakdown once a week at midnight because you held too much in. my brother showed me that not caring about anything can still get you some where in life. he never did school/never went, he graduated and got his bachelors degree and now is a football coach. i now feel like i can give up when ever and say “fuck this” but i dont. because then i wouldnt seem “perfect” because i need good grades like my sister to be perfect, then everyone would see that. my family are my teachers, teachers may know alot about their topic ad what they must teach, but sometimes the way they teach isnt good.
feeling overwhelmed about everything in the world, my dreams that i want to fulfill are most likely not to happen and i hate that because i really want to live my dreams and put my best life into them but my mind just wont let me. its one thing i want to fix about myself.
almost everyday, i really want to feel for people and care but its hard for me. i can dose off even when someone is having a face to face conversation with me because i find it hard to care. i really hate that about myself but noticing that i do this is my first step to changing that.
my future. i know if i keep going and try i can make my future amazing even if my life isnt the best right now changing myself for future me.
every time i talk, my “attitude” is kinda my personality i don’t like it tho, because i am the bubbly girl thats fun to be with and talk to at school but at home i feel like im not force to pretend im happy and i cant show that the same i do at school. i try too but its hard when you get yelled at for simply saying one thing thats showing an “attitude” even tho ig my attitude is i really dont care, like about anything, thats the part i hate but i cant fix myself ...
every time i talk, my “attitude” is kinda my personality i don’t like it tho, because i am the bubbly girl thats fun to be with and talk to at school but at home i feel like im not force to pretend im happy and i cant show that the same i do at school. i try too but its hard when you get yelled at for simply saying one thing thats showing an “attitude” even tho ig my attitude is i really dont care, like about anything, thats the part i hate but i cant fix myself but i would never ask someone for help idk why tho. so the situation is my life. some days im really really happy then one little thing with my attitude changes because of the littlest thing i feel like i wanna die or not talk to anyone than i end up having a panic attack at midnight,fall asleep, than wake up and try the day i have planed out but some how because of my attitude it never works out and i try again the next day. for some reason i always say “ill do it tomorrow because its a new day and maybe tomorrow ill have a better mineset ( i really never do)” its a repeat but it keeps me going, thats my situation its just the days over and over again i just want a break from trying to please everyone and myself and just not care but i cant bring my self to do that because theres always a little situation that changes that attitude and i go back to the other mineset. ( this is very long i just really needed to let that out and ive been struggling with my mental health and this helps alot.)
same sis but remember your a baddie
this made me lose my shit for so reason
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