The intrusive questions, doubts, and anxieties I am having about whether forgiveness is obligatory, supererogatory, neutral, or sometimes forbidden, as well as, if it is obligatory, whether we can hold that view while still not pushing or demanding others to forgive, have been giving me a lot of anxiety. I’ve valued forgiveness for so long, and I worry that I’m wrong in holding this value. Even though I don’t like the anxiety this is giving me, I do think that doing some limited reading (I say “limited” because I don’t want to throw myself for a loop) and deeper thinking on the issue will help me to clarify and practice my values. My intuition says that we should forgive, but my brain says that maybe I am wrong about that.

It can actually keep me from demonizing anybody, I think. A tendency I sometimes have is to see one view as right and one group or person as right and the other as wrong and unworthy of kindness. There are paradoxes, though. We have a duty to fight against injustice for the sake of those who are impacted by it. At the same time, I’ve learned that, at least for me, it is also helpful to do this with love and respect even for the wrongdoers, so that I don’t demonize anybody. Even so, it’s important not to force the wronged to be kind to oppressors, having empathy for why they would feel deep hurt at the injustice and how dehumanizing the perpetrator can actually feel empowering at times. I like the idea of not being “for” or “against” anybody but holding charity and love toward everybody (of course, though, I’m not “against” anyone who disagrees with that sentiment 🙂 ).

My mom and dad, of course, were the ones who raised me and shaped a lot of my core values, although sometimes my disagreements with them also led me to hold values that were different from theirs. This, however, is still an influence from them. The church I grew up in had a similar effect. Certain things I personally value, like forgiveness, patience with people, and prioritizing spiritual practice were all shaped by the church I grew up in. At the same time, the ways in which these ideologies were sometimes used in oppressive ways, as well as the embedded theological narratives I just couldn’t buy into, taught me why I needed to move away from that church and seek another path. At the current church I go to, one of my pastors had a wonderful influence on me by sharing his stories, biblical interpretations, and experiences to help me shape my own theology. I am also deeply impacted by my religious studies professor from college, who helped me to clarify some of my spiritual questions. In addition, the professors at the seminary I go to now are shaping me by challenging me to question my embedded theologies further and to rethink some of my narratives about faith and spirituality (which can be a painful process, to be honest, but it is shaping me to be a better caregiver). I have also been deeply influenced by the spiritual teachings of many of the Great Masters (Krishna, Buddha, Laozi, Master Kong, Moses, Jesus, Muhammad, etc.). Many liberation theologians, as well as those who have challenged certain aspects of liberation theology, have influenced me deeply, such as James Cone and Reinhold Niebuhr. There’s a lot of people who have influenced who I am today.

I’ve been wrestling with the messy issue of forgiveness lately because my beliefs are being challenged by my learning in seminary. Based on my thinking and reflecting about non-problematic ways of approaching forgiveness, one way I can show respect for others is to hold myself to an ethic of forgiveness. After all, it will let me empathize with and humanize those who have wronged me. At the same time, I can also show respect for people who do not want to forgive by not imposing this standard on them. Some people are in a place of deep pain and hurt, and we can respect them by, perhaps, hoping that they will eventually forgive or even praying that reconciliation and/or forgiveness can happen, but without forcing them to do so or saying insensitive things like, “You should just get over it” or “You just need to forgive.” For both of these ethics, there can be mutually fulfilling gifts. When I forgive, I heal my own feelings of pain and humanize/show empathy toward those who wrong me. At the same time, by not forcing others to forgive, I allow them to be where they are in their hurt or anger without re-victimizing them by trying to force them to get rid of their feelings and am also reminded to be patient with myself if I don’t feel forgiving. It’s a process, and I can’t beat myself up if I don’t get it right the first try.

My challenges are what taught me to take a stand at all in the first place. As a young child, I believed whatever the adults told me and didn’t question. If someone asked me where I stand, I would probably just repeat something an adult told me. As I grew during my teen years, however, I experienced challenges related to questions about faith, meaning, purpose, ethics, and existence. Asking these hard questions created some existential and spiritual crises for me, but it also taught me to take a stand for myself, rather than just unquestioningly believing whatever I’m taught.

I learned, as a teen, that, on the one hand, just because authority figures or the majority of people say something, that does not make it true; we need to think for ourselves. On the other hand, we can’t JUST think for ourselves; we also need to learn from the voices of others, so that we do not have hubris in thinking that we can figure truth out all by ourselves. Thinking in community, while questioning, challenging, and learning from others, is the middle way that leads to deeper wisdom.

Conflict is a normal part of life. It isn’t even bad; conflict produces what we have and is part of the natural order of things. The key is to negotiate with love, to disagree kindly, to debate with humanity, and to seek to come to an agreement or a compromise that satisfies all parties involved. In cases where an agreement cannot be reached because of a serious ethical issue, I feel we are called to speak out against injustice and mobilizes others with the cause, but even then, we should remember that the people we see as making an immoral decision are also human beings with inherent worth and dignity.

It depends on how bad the relationship is. Of course, it the person is physically abuse or has threatened one, it’s usually best just to hold them with loving intentions and stay away without hating them. On the other hand, if there is no danger, one step on the way to repairing what is broken may be to confront them. Reparation should be made before some pretense of “kindness” is extended that will simply mask the problem and keep the resentment building. At the same time, however, if there is an unequal power dynamic or you feel reluctant to repair anything but still want to show kindness, sometimes just offering a smile or saying hello to someone you don’t normally enjoy can be a step in the right direction.