Beneath the longing and regret for what was not … there is a deeper longing.

I am an introvert who lived a life full of (worthwhile) activity. But, being too busy to face my inner regrets and longings does not allow for a deeper awareness, openness and healing …

I am home in isolation with some COVID-19 symptoms. Was too weak to go for testing …

Whether it was my intention or not, there are many regrets, inner wounds, dragons, demons, and longings that I can not run from right now.

The tempest in a teapot in which I lived my day to day life in the past is slowly settling and I clearly see I am missing nothing. The door is open.

There is nothing missing, nothing to regret.

Perhaps the world’s turmoil is a catalyst for gratitude and joy!

Recently, some worldly-minded associates severely criticized me with a list of faults and short-comings. As I had known this group for many years, over time I had become free and no longer felt crushed by their negativity. My regret is only for them — they are the ones who are trapped. And so it is in relation to all that is troubling in our world today. I feel gratitude and joy for all that God blesses me with, and the freedoms I have, and yet sorrow that many are lost and destructive — “they know not what they do” — and for the victims of this ignorance.

Bath rim
centipede hides
a few legs show …

Not that a centipede is one of the “major signifiers of our universe.” What is major is a change of heart in me. I thought centipedes bit, and so a centipede in the bath in the morning normally got swirled down the drain. But then I read that it is hard for a centipede to puncture your skin, and if it did, it would not be a danger to your health. And centipedes love to dine on ants, spiders, cockroaches and bedbugs, which is not a bad thing. So, this morning, I scooped a centipede out of my bath onto the edge of the bath with a facial tissue. He tried to hide next to some Bic disposable razors, but some of his legs still showed. He was not as big as some of the past centipedes were. Made it also easier to accept him and let him live.

Early Spring, chilly –
light through curtains
suddenly luminous

Reflection on my experience:

It took being attentive and open to complete this haiku. “Early Spring, chilly” readily appeared. The “cars passing by on the road pitted by salt and sand” did not seem to work.

But indeed nature herself stepped in .. as I was beginning to write about the greyness of the day, pale sunlight shimmered and shone luminous through my thin curtains, lifting my spirits.

On a branch
floating downriver
a cricket, singing.

Kobayashi Issa, translated by Jane Hirshfield

I am drawn to this haiku because it is by a Japanese master, about nature; moving water, a cricket, singing, and is a little unexpected in that you think something floating downstream might be doomed, but the cricket sings.

In this haiku I notice that I am attracted to it and delighted by it because it reminds me of some of my life challenges for which the best response would be singing rather than stressing out and imagining the worst.

Reading this haiku I experience delight.

Mostly I would live my day exactly as I am, except, I would make an extra effort to connect with my family members and some loved friends to say goodbye. Today I am going to Mass, meeting with a small contemplative group I am in, and praying quite a bit — my focus is on Our Lord … no reason to change that on the last day of my life, I think … However, if I had a reprieve and was given another couple of years, I would de-clutter my place, getting rid of everything not essential. And what is to stop me starting now?