As in “STOP LOOK GO”, being fully present, then having clear perspective, and then, seeing clearly what possibility/opportunity may be useful and effective, taking an action that is clearly and truly needed and wanted. From my experience of widowhood, I experienced many people who did not know how to be with a mourner. And, in their discomfort of not-knowing, but initiating action anyway, it became them, sadly, who obviously needed comfort. My best advice to others soon after those early days of widowhood was to tell people that silence and/or saying “I am sorry for your loss,” was a good way to be with a mourner. And, asking if the mourner would like a hug, rather than initiating it, is also good advice. STOP LOOK GO.

Dear Sage: Thank you for your blog. I realize now how I created an ongoing feeling of having been traumatized for the past several years. I’d believed that talking/sharing about those difficult days, might release them. But, I could also tell that I was just ‘stirring up the mud.’ The last paragraph of your blog helped me to see that even though I believed I was ‘just’ honestly and accurately reporting on the events as they had occurred, I was describing the events as “problems,” and it is that perspective that has kept me with the dissatisfaction and resentment as you so well pointed out. What generated and maintained a kind of PTSD now seems so obvious. And now the solution is obvious, too. Thank you so very much.

Dear Colette: I am relatively new to this website and though you wrote this article years ago, as I begin my exploration of all that’s here, I chose tonight to read this blog of yours. And, to my delight, I totally related to it. I am SO thankful for your words. I began reading both “Living in Gratitude” and “Gratefulness, the Heart of Prayer” this past week, and am listening to a set of audio CD’s of Arrien’s book “Gratitude” when I drive instead of the talk that I find on the radio. With great-felt appreciation, Ann